A little school related post.

This Thursday I will be installing my artwork and my art exhibition opens next week. HONESTLY, I AM TERRIFIED of what others think of my artwork; the art work I have spend all year constructing. My artworks displays autobiographical abstract expressesiom pieces of art. It is unique and each piece tells a personal story about my own struggles associated with my own mental health. 

I do not think anyone will understand it. I don't think people are going to like them. I think they are just going to be stuck on a wall for everyone to judge and hate. 

I have not used any "art" rules or "traditional" techniques. I've pretty much done what has felt right to me. And that includes mixing acrylic paint with charcoal, and wire, and twine, and making giant cuts in my work with a Stanly knife and ripping pieces up, and making a GIANT MESS.

I am not that good of an artist compared to every other level 3 art student and I am scared of what people are going to think of my pieces. I think Anxiety is definitely getting to me.
What if people hate them? What if they are not 'good enough'? What if I have not done enough? What if I am actually a crap artist?  What if my artwork offends someone? What if someone says something bad about my artwork? What if NOBODY likes my artwork? What if my artwork is bad? 

Last Wednesday I completed my writing portfolio. A complete 6969 (I DID NOT DO THAT WORD LIMIT ON PURPOSE, I SWEAR!) word portfolio of my best writing pieces. A major writing piece about a young girl who has to learn how to trust those around her after a traumatic event, a pair of life writing stories: one about my Nan's fear of bridges, largely based on the blog I wrote in November last year titled: Bridges, about how my Nans phobia of bridges dictated her life and how I will not allow my phobia of people to dictate my life. and the other life writing is a letter to a Friend, witch is again largely based on a blog post I wrote March last year: Letter-to-new-friend . The piece describes how nervous I am with interacting with people and meeting new friends, and how much I treasure the friendship I had quickly formed with my new friend. Lastly, the final piece I wrote about was a blog post, similar to those you find on BeyondBlue and Headspace, where people share their stories about battling certain mental disorders. I wrote a **TOTALLY FICTIONAL** piece about a seventeen year old girl who battles from selective mutism disorder. 

IT FELT SO GREAT TO HAND IT IN AND FINALLY BE DONE WITH IT!

In my Chinese class we are going through old exams in preparation for our end of year exams... My chinese class is the only class where my classmates know me by name. Not by "charcole girl" or "cake girl", or "that really quiet girl". I love my chinese class. It feels like family. 

My intro class has been a breeze. A total breeze. 

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In two or three more weeks I graduate grade 12. After 13 long years, I will be finishing formal education and I will be entering the "real world".

The truth is, I am terrified.

I am absolutely terrified of graduating.

In preparation of graduating I have had to do so much school related shit.
Assignment after assignment. Portfolio after portfolio. Essay after essay. Booklet after booklet

"Have I done this?!" "Have I done that?!" 

There has been SO much to do. I have been doing as much school work as I can possibly  in EVERY spare moment, even staying at school until late to try and do more work.

I haven't had much time to breathe. It has been non-stop.
Lately it has felt like I have been drowning in it all.

The fact that I am doing three preTs makes the end of year so much stressful. Portpholios. Exam prep. Exhibitions.
Everything has to be perfect. Everything has to be in order. Everything has to be right. 
I can not even begin to describe how many times I have proof read essays and portpholio peices and entries into booklets. And all this is stressful. And hard. And honestly very SHITYY!.


And I anticipate that the stress and rush is only going to continue until I graduate in 2 or 3 more weeks.


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I nearly failed one of my courses, and knowing that I nearly failed a class hurts me so much. It kills the perfectionist, over-achiever inside me. It makes me feel like shit. I tried by best and it just was not good enough, and that suckssssss.

I don't think I am getting high scores in my classes, and I anticipate that my ATAR will be so low that I can't go to uni straight away (which in a way is fine because I am going to China next year anyway...)

And it saddens me because I REALLY TRIED HARD THIS YEAR. but my anxiety was just so paralyzing that I was pretty limited with what I could do... I mean for the first few months I WAS MUTE. I was too scared to ask teachers for help, I was too scared to email teachers, I was too scared too talk to those around me, I was too scared to walk into my library, some days I was even to scared to go to class. I was kinda really limited to what I could do but I reallyyyyy tried.



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Remember all those times where I said I hated school?

Well, once I found a small group of amazing friends, I started to really enjoy school. I had finally found a "group"; a place I belonged and where I felt safe.

I spent so long craving friends. I don't want to lose the friendships I have made. I am scared that after graduation we will all split off into our own lifes and we will not be friends anymore. WHITCH I DO NOT WANT TO HAPPEN. My current friendship group makes me feel so happy. They make me laugh and smile and they make me feel great about myself. In a selfish kind of way: I do not want to lose them

I love my large school; I love the little hide-away places. I love being able to sit by the river when things get too much. I love my supportive teachers. I love my friends. I love my cozy classrooms. I love my chinese class.

I'm not going to have all this next year. I'm not going to have any of this forever, and that scares me.

For two years my collage has been my comfort zone. I have never thought about what happens once I graduate. Maybe I am just feeling a bit anxious about leaving. I have finally relised that HEY-I AM LEAVING! ... it has finally sinked in, and I am feeling a bit emotional about it all.


What does the world look like not being a student? Will I be OK?