A post to acknowledge that I am improving.

Last year, in the last term of school my friend took me into the mall. I don't think it was a busy day but I was terrified.
 I believed that was the center of everyones' attention. I felt like a giant spotlight was on me and I was going to do something stupid. I  believed that every single person  around me was staring and judging me.I believed that every person around me  was talking about me. I was convinced that everyone was laughing at me. I believed that people were on their phones taking photos of me and posting them online with mean captions. I believed I as going to run into someone from my high school and they would scream out something mean towards  me.

I believed I was in danger  and I was terrified. 

I was trapped in the webs of my disorder  and my mind was feeding me lies and because  of that, the symptoms of panic started to occur and I had a panic attack.

and I am proud to say that THE OTHER DAY I walked through the mall and did not feel anxious. 

It may not be that much of an achievement, but for someone with social anxiety: with someone with a phobia of people,  walking through a crowded area is a major accomplishment.

 Not many people relies that on a daily basis I go against that my mind senses as a dangerous situation.  I am re-teaching myself how to function. 

And for those who do not know.... IT IS LIKE TEACHING MYSELF HOW TO BREATHE AGAIN. 

I have little stratagies and techniques I use. When I am around a lot of people, (eg: walking through the mall) I try and remember that: 

Everyone is busy living their own lives 

People are too busy living their day-to-day lives. People are too busy with  worrying themselves and their own problems.

 What are the chances that they are thinking about me? And even if they are ; 

Why does it matter?

Do I need them to like me? Do I need to leave an impression? Do I need them to be my best friend? 

Chances are the answer is no.

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It is little techniques like this that have improved the way I think. It was only last year that I was  in my own bed, in panic and terrified to move because my young brother had a friend over.  I was terrified that if I made the slightest noise, my little brother's friend would judge me and something catastrophic would happen. I laid in bed in tears absolutely terrified and unable to move until he left at 6PM. 

What  exactly was I terrified off?? 

Of a 12 year old boy playing Call Of Duty with my littlest brother

You only need to read the blog posts I wrote this time last year: Right now=Bleh and

My Quiet Mind (which is my favourite blog post EVER) to know that I HAVE changed and that I HAVE improved. This time last year that my mental disorders were so significant that they took over my life. - and they still do but I have learnt and I am still learning how to control them-
Last year, there was a long list of things that I just simply could not do because Anxiety paralysed me. Now I can;

-I can answer the front door when someone knocks.

-I can speak on the phone.

- I can order food at a venue.

-I can walk down the main street in my town without worrying about who is going to be there and if they are going to yell .

-I can go into the shops in the main street in my town.

-I can walk through the undercroft at my school

-I can say hello to someone in a hallway

- I can initiate conversations with my friends on social media (I prefer Snapchat. ID. jazz maree)

-AND I CAN WALK THROUGH THE MALL IN LAUNCESTON

These are all things I COULD NOT DO last year. Not because of stubbornness of laziness but because of FEAR. I have improved so much in the past year and I am acknowledging that.I am starting to feel more safe and confident at school and I have FINALLY found a loyal group of friends, (took me a while.!) and believe-it-or-not,  I've even found an adorable, amazing, and caring boyfriend / boy that will occasionally buy me pizza and tell me I am pretty

I am starting to really come out of my shell and socialise a lot more with people. The person that I have always wanted to be is finally starting to come out. The LOUD, ENERGETIC, FUNNY person that has been trapped inside for so long and I am happy.

Just to prove it:  I WALKED AROUND A BLOCK ON FRIDAY   WITH A CAKE AND WAS LIKE "YO. HAVE A PIECE OF CAKE. MY NAME IS JAZZ AND I WANT FRIENDS. (#TRUESTORY #ITWASCHOCOLATECAKE ) and that is something I would never have done last year. 

If I can walk through a busy loud mall what else can I do?

Move out of Georgetown

Move to China

TAKE OVER THE WORLD 

Do all the things on my100 THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE post. 

The possibilities are endless. But for now, you will be seeing more of this loud, energetic Jazz who loves life.