I spent my day with people.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to have a day where I spend my break times with people instead of swallowing in an ugly pit of loneliness. I have craved human connection. I have desperately wanted to hang out with people my age but for so long social anxiety has not allowed me to do so.
Today I actually spend my recess, lunch and my free line WITH people
WHICH HAS NEVER HAPPENED.
- I spent my morning (before school) book-browsing with my lovley best friend.
- I spent my recess sitting in the under croft with my gorgeous friend
- I spent my free line sitting on the roof with a new friend staring out at busy Launceston, playing Eye spy, and eating chips from the school's cafeteria
- My Lunch time sitting in my Chinese room with some of my chinese classmates: laughing and having a great time. (我爱我的中国同学们!!)
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My Social Anxiety Disorder causes the intense feelings of loneliness and isolation. I have felt so isolated and trapped in the webs of my Social Anxiety Disorder that I have not had the opportunity to make friends.I have been drowning in an awful, giant pit of loneliness. I have hated going to school because every single day I would enter deeper and deeper into a thick blanket of isolation as I painfully watched everyone around me form friendships that did not include me.
Now that I am starting to learn how to gain control over my anxiety. I no longer feel like I am entering into a bottomless pit of isolation when I enter my school. I think (think?) I've met a few people I can count as friends.
I have people who I can say hello to in the hallways
I have people who I can meet with during my break times.
I have people to sit next to in some classes
I have people who are excited to see me.
I EVEN HAVE SOMEBODY WHO BROUGHT ME LUNCH THE OTHER DAY!!
... not to mention my Facebook friend requests are starting to increase
AND I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT.
THINGS ARE FINALLY LOOKING UP FOR ME IN THE 'FRIENDS DEPARTMENT'.
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I have a brain that processes everyone as a threat and because of that I tend to isolate myself. I believe that it is safer to avoid all social interaction than to interact with people. To me, socialising with people takes a lot of courage. It takes a lot of mental preparation and positive self talk; repeating the sentences: 'Everything will be Okay' and 'These people will not hurt you. They are good people' over and over in my head until I can convince myself.
I have DESPERATELY wanted to hang out with people but I have lacked the courage to do so. Every time I socialise with people I have to challenge that little voice inside my head that tells me that I am doing something wrong, or that the people hate me, or I am being judged, or that someone is going to mentally or physically hurt me, or that I will embarrass myself.
It's exhausting and it takes a lot of effort
BUT I AM GETTING BETTER AT CHALLENGING THAT PESKY VOICE
and one day I will get so good at challenging that voice that it will become smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller until it is a tiny speck of dust that just goes POOF into nothingness.
It has taken me nearly two years of collage to have a whole day where I spend my break times with people and I really, really enjoyed it. I am beyond thankful for these new friendships.
Having a day where I spent my breaktime with people taught me something.
I LOVE being with people. I LOVE. LOVE.LOVE.LOVE.LOVEEEEE spending time with people!
Being with people fills me up with so much energy and joy (maybe I'm a bit extroverted.. hmm??)
I just wish that social anxiety would stop getting in the way so I can have more days like this, but I know it will become easier with time and patience.
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