I had a boyfriend.
Notice the past tense?
had
I had a boyfriend.
We dated for a week and then I broke thing up.
Why?
Not because I am terrified of commitment (which I am) or because I am terrified to get too close to anyone in case I do something wrong (which is also true)
but because;
Notice the past tense?
had
I had a boyfriend.
We dated for a week and then I broke thing up.
Why?
Not because I am terrified of commitment (which I am) or because I am terrified to get too close to anyone in case I do something wrong (which is also true)
but because;
I need more time to enjoy this feeling.
I have never really been interested in boys because for so long my brain has been incapable of developing any attraction. The part of the brain responsible for sexual attraction just doesn't function for some people with depression,. This is because depression causes the loss of the "good-feeling" hormones called testosterone and dopamine, which are the same hormones that are raised when you feel attraction. (#I KNOW MY STUFF)
During high school, when my friends were discussing boys and relationships I just kinda drifted off to the side because I never understood how they could be feeling attracted to people. The whole idea of finding people "attractive" was something I never understood because it was something I never couldn't experience due to the fact that my mind was chemically imbalanced.
I thought for so long that it was the way I was programmed: that I was simply asexual and that was just the way I was going to be, but I never understood that it was my depression that was causing a slump in my sexual drive and it has nothing to do with my sexuality.
During high school, when my friends were discussing boys and relationships I just kinda drifted off to the side because I never understood how they could be feeling attracted to people. The whole idea of finding people "attractive" was something I never understood because it was something I never couldn't experience due to the fact that my mind was chemically imbalanced.
I thought for so long that it was the way I was programmed: that I was simply asexual and that was just the way I was going to be, but I never understood that it was my depression that was causing a slump in my sexual drive and it has nothing to do with my sexuality.
Now that I have started anti-depressants and my hormones are starting to balance its self out, my sexual drive has just finally started operating.
and when I say 'just' I mean in the past few months.
It is suddenly like: '...... BOYS!!.. WOW !!!!! '
I am JUST STARTING to find boys attractive and it is like my mind has been opened to a brand new world. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I COULD FEEL THESE FEELS!
and when I say 'just' I mean in the past few months.
It is suddenly like: '...... BOYS!!.. WOW !!!!! '
I am JUST STARTING to find boys attractive and it is like my mind has been opened to a brand new world. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I COULD FEEL THESE FEELS!
So, I want to have time to enjoy it.
I want to have time to stare at boys from across the classroom. I want to experience the pain of unacquainted love. I want to have fun developing crushes and trying to keep it a secret from my friends. I want to act all giddy and "child-like" . I want to feel the butterflies flutter in my stomach when I am around guys . I want to flirt. I want to have fun.
I want to have time with this feeling before I fall endlessly with the first guy I develop a crush on.
I need friendship right now.
I have been at collage for nearly two years and I feel like I have only made one good "real" best friend who I feel like I can go up to and talk to and be with without the voice of anxiety taking over and ruining it. (SHOUT OUT TO BABY BUTT) .
Anxiety has taken me hostage for too long and has been feeding me lies such as "everybody hates you" and "everyone will hurt you" and because of that I have not had the chance to make many friends.
I don't think I can explain the pain of never having a place to go when you don't have to be in class; to have to painfully spend your break times by yourself, wishing desperately to have a friend beside you.
It hurts so much to feel so utterly invisible and alone (You can read more about that in the post: /2017/06/13 )
The sad reality is that I have isolated myself for too long that I have forgotten what it is like to feel "connected" to a group of people.
The very first time I spent my whole school day with people was just last month, which was a huge victory moment I wrote on a post: 2017/08/11
On that day I remember feeling SO happy because I felt embraced and wanted for the first time in a very long time. I want to have more days like that. I need to have more days like that. I need friends. I am at the part of my life where I need friends more than anything. I have spent the majority of my collage years paralysed with anxiety and loneliness and spending every break time alone feeling miserable. I do not want to waste a second moment being lonely.
I have been at collage for nearly two years and I feel like I have only made one good "real" best friend who I feel like I can go up to and talk to and be with without the voice of anxiety taking over and ruining it. (SHOUT OUT TO BABY BUTT) .
Anxiety has taken me hostage for too long and has been feeding me lies such as "everybody hates you" and "everyone will hurt you" and because of that I have not had the chance to make many friends.
I don't think I can explain the pain of never having a place to go when you don't have to be in class; to have to painfully spend your break times by yourself, wishing desperately to have a friend beside you.
It hurts so much to feel so utterly invisible and alone (You can read more about that in the post: /2017/06/13 )
The sad reality is that I have isolated myself for too long that I have forgotten what it is like to feel "connected" to a group of people.
The very first time I spent my whole school day with people was just last month, which was a huge victory moment I wrote on a post: 2017/08/11
On that day I remember feeling SO happy because I felt embraced and wanted for the first time in a very long time. I want to have more days like that. I need to have more days like that. I need friends. I am at the part of my life where I need friends more than anything. I have spent the majority of my collage years paralysed with anxiety and loneliness and spending every break time alone feeling miserable. I do not want to waste a second moment being lonely.
I need to put myself first.
I am a wreck.
This is not me having a giant spill about my low self esteem, this is me stating the truth. I am a wreck.
I need to be selfish for the first time in my life and I need to focus on myself. I am mine before I am anyone else's. I need to focus on managing my anxiety so I can life a more meaningful life.Once I can manage my anxiety to a point where it does not control every aspect of my life I will then consider starting a relationship
However,
This is not me having a giant spill about my low self esteem, this is me stating the truth. I am a wreck.
I need to be selfish for the first time in my life and I need to focus on myself. I am mine before I am anyone else's. I need to focus on managing my anxiety so I can life a more meaningful life.Once I can manage my anxiety to a point where it does not control every aspect of my life I will then consider starting a relationship
However,
It is SO important to be that I recover before I DO start a relationship. I want to be able to give my partner the best version of me-- not the version of me who is so paralysed with a disorder I can't even fully explain.
So, I am sorry. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. This hurts me to say: I am not ready to take that next step in my life.
I know one day I will be ready.
I will be ready to love. I will be ready for the glitz and glamour.
Just not right now. I need time. I hope you can respect that.
Just not right now. I need time. I hope you can respect that.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~~_~__~_~
I made my relationship public on Facebook and I received so many positive comments. So many people commented that they were happy for me.
I know I have disappointed people by discontinuing my relationship, and I AM sorry, but this is my life. I am going to do what I think is best for me
All I am asking is for people to be happy for me, not because I am in a relationship but because I am trying to hard to change and become a better person.
I know I have disappointed people by discontinuing my relationship, and I AM sorry, but this is my life. I am going to do what I think is best for me
All I am asking is for people to be happy for me, not because I am in a relationship but because I am trying to hard to change and become a better person.
*Older blogs have been linked. You only need to click on the highlighted text to go to the posts
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