I have panic disorder. I suffer from frequent panic attacks and I live in constant fear as to having another. I can not enter situations or areas where I think I will have a panic attack and I try and avoid them at all cost (Hens why I can not enter my school library)
Panic attacks control my life.and let me just say... they feel like hell.
Since the start of term term two I have been on medication to treat my panic disorder and since then my panic attacks have been less frequent. Last month I only suffered from 4 attacks (one every week) WHICH is a significant difference compared to when I was not on medication.
For some reason this week has been tough.
I do not know if it is because I am starting to stress about next year and what it means for me being out of school, or because a lot of things are happening at home that I have no control over, or possibly because there may be something wrong with my medication. Idk.
But the point is, this week I suffered from three panic attacks.
Three times this week I lost control of my body due to intense fear
And it is not just the panic attacks that have been bothering me this week. My mood has just plummeted down: I have been feeling very low and less motivated then usual. I have been having breakdowns at school and having crying spells in the school bathrooms and even in class. Everything has been really suckkyyyyyyyy
Combined with only getting 4-5 hours sleep a night and getting serious (and at times excruciating ) headaches that last all day, I say something is not right.
And it is terrifying because I do not know what the hell is going on with my head at the moment. It feels like I am going backwards.
I. Just. Feel. Very. Blehh.
I have an appointment with a doctor first thing after school Monday to try and figure out why it seems like my medication is not working anymore. Maybe they will switch me to a different medication to try? Maybe he will increase my dose (I am already on 40g)? I don't know.
But
It just seems like a lot of effort.
WHY CAN'T I JUST WAKE UP TOMORROW AND AUTOMATICALLY BE CURED??!!
I do not want to be like this.
The truth is if there was a magic pill I would take to completely cure my mental health for ever I WOULD NOT HESITATE to take it.
Living with mental illness is so exhausting and some days are just so fucking hard.
But one day everything is going to be OK, right?
When things start becoming hard I like to look forward to the future. I like to think that one day in future I will be free from anxiety and I will be able to live a fulfilling life and that all this "suckiness" will be worth it.
This is a blog entry I wrote during the term 3 holidays last year.
I wrote it at a time where I was at my worst. It just goes to show just how how determined I can be and how much progress I have made since last year.
Progress that I will continue to make.
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"One Day"
(written during term 3 holidays, 2016 during a trip to Hobart, Tasmania)I needed a scenery change.
That is the excuse I am telling myself for the spontaneous trip to Hobart that had NOTHING to do with the fact that my brother's friends were coming over and I am petrified of being in the same house as them.
I needed a scenery change.
From
Everything.
From
Everything.
Hobart is beautiful. It really is. I'm staying with a close friend who received many emails last term saying '' I had a shit day" ,and "I just don't know how long I will cope" ,and even more scary "I don't think I can do this anymore" until the point where she replied "you are coming to Hobart. No questions. Come. Get away. I'm forcing you"
So, I'm running away from my problems. No big deal.
Her house is beautiful. She says it's messy but it's better than mine. She has a large window that overlooks suburban Hobart and when it is night time all the lights turn on from all the houses and look like twinkling lights and it's just so beautiful, it also overlooks the Derwant River and boats come and go all day long and float angelically on top of the water.
It's peaceful.
And I could just stare at it all day.
She has a really nice kitchen that has a small vase of daffodils on the window seal and tiny, little rocks that adorn the whole kitchen.On the first night I arrived, I couldn't help but to stare out at the neighbouring houses and streets occupied by children racing their scooters somewhat dangerously. It was then I caught a view of myself in the window.
It's peaceful.
And I could just stare at it all day.
She has a really nice kitchen that has a small vase of daffodils on the window seal and tiny, little rocks that adorn the whole kitchen.On the first night I arrived, I couldn't help but to stare out at the neighbouring houses and streets occupied by children racing their scooters somewhat dangerously. It was then I caught a view of myself in the window.
My hair was all messy from being un-brushed all day, and giant bags underneath my eyes from being too scared to fall asleep on the bus, and my pimply, obscure face free from makeup staring back at me.
Suddenly a light bulb went off inside my head. It screamed:
This could be me
Of course it was me but what I mean is that one day, when I'm older, I could have a house to myself that overlooks a body of water and thinking to myself 'wow, life is amazing'.
I could get up everyday, feed myself three meals a day without stressing how much it is is costing my family, without thinking if everyone has been feed and be in a house where my personality is accepted and not made fun off for being "different" and "weak".
I could listen to the blissful sound of white noise instead of calamities and drunk men every weekend and be with a partner who loves me and wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt my feelings.
I could listen to the tiny putter patter of border collies running up the hallways and toddlers who will be covered in paint and glitter and holding up pieces of paper proudly proclaiming: 'Look Mummy, look what I made!"and I'll sleeplessly say "Wow, Atticus/[Insert Girl's Name I'll decide on in the future] that is beautiful'' and pin it onto the fridge with those colourful number magnets.
I could listen to the tiny putter patter of border collies running up the hallways and toddlers who will be covered in paint and glitter and holding up pieces of paper proudly proclaiming: 'Look Mummy, look what I made!"and I'll sleeplessly say "Wow, Atticus/[Insert Girl's Name I'll decide on in the future] that is beautiful'' and pin it onto the fridge with those colourful number magnets.
I could think about nothing and do nothing and say nothing and think to myself 'this is not called isolation this is fucking paradise' , I'll have a large bookshelf that overflows with books and reading nooks all around my house that are decorated with comfortable cushions and blankets where I will inevitably spend all my time being transported into the world of fiction.
I could invite friends over and we would smile and laugh and talk about life and be generally happy. I will blast various different rock band from my stereos and we will eat chocolate and hug my (many, many, many ) cats all day long whilst thinking, without saying out loud about how life got better.
I could have a steady job and I have a partner with a steady job so our children will never have to worry about if they will will be food on the table tonight or believing it's their responsibility to get a job as soon as they can so they can help out with the necessities and feeling guilty when they can't get a "good enough" job.
I could have a wall filled with charismatic photo frames displaying precious moments of time captured forever, or trips overseas: holding the leaning tower of Pisa: walking the Great Wall Of China: eating baguettes in France: bungee-jumping in New Zealand: teaching English, and of entertaining moments with my family, and my friends, and my smiling, happy children.
I could be in a state of mind where I am filled with peace and euphoria, where I am not living in constant fear and anxiety. Where I'm not petrified of waking up in the morning and constantly on the verge of a panic attack. Where I will love myself and believe I am capable of achieving anything including living a life free of anxiety.
I could have all of this and so much more.
I could have a steady job and I have a partner with a steady job so our children will never have to worry about if they will will be food on the table tonight or believing it's their responsibility to get a job as soon as they can so they can help out with the necessities and feeling guilty when they can't get a "good enough" job.
I could have a wall filled with charismatic photo frames displaying precious moments of time captured forever, or trips overseas: holding the leaning tower of Pisa: walking the Great Wall Of China: eating baguettes in France: bungee-jumping in New Zealand: teaching English, and of entertaining moments with my family, and my friends, and my smiling, happy children.
I could be in a state of mind where I am filled with peace and euphoria, where I am not living in constant fear and anxiety. Where I'm not petrified of waking up in the morning and constantly on the verge of a panic attack. Where I will love myself and believe I am capable of achieving anything including living a life free of anxiety.
I could have all of this and so much more.
I just have to hold on until that 'one day'... right?
Right.
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Also (just casually) I will see Josh Ramsey live without his top on WITH my friend
When I am having a tough week I have the ability to be hopeful for that "one day". I know that one day things will be better and that there will come a day where I will learn how to manage my anxiety to the point where it does not control my life.
One day, I will complete my goals.
I will graduate collage. I will teach overseas. I will go to China. I will travel. I will find a partner that loves me.I will have children . I will have a large house that has a beautiful library. I will have a successful career (WHAT EVER THAT IS), I will own many cuddly cats and a playful border collie, and I will recover from anxiety.
I know that just because this week was tough it does not mean that next week will be. It just means I need to take care. I need to read more Syliva Plath poetry and eat more cake and get my hands messy.
Despite every panic attack and every breakdown, my heart will continue to beat. My heart may be a bit torn and damaged by despite everything it will still continue to beat. I will continue to fight. I will not give up. I have strength. I have bravery. I know because it takes strength to pull yourself out of a panic attack, especially three different times in a single week and I am giving myself credit for that. I know it is hard, I know it sucks but I am strong. I will get better.
One day things will be easier, I just have to hold on for that "one day".
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Also (just casually) I will see Josh Ramsey live without his top on WITH my friend
When I am having a tough week I have the ability to be hopeful for that "one day". I know that one day things will be better and that there will come a day where I will learn how to manage my anxiety to the point where it does not control my life.
One day, I will complete my goals.
I will graduate collage. I will teach overseas. I will go to China. I will travel. I will find a partner that loves me.I will have children . I will have a large house that has a beautiful library. I will have a successful career (WHAT EVER THAT IS), I will own many cuddly cats and a playful border collie, and I will recover from anxiety.
I know that just because this week was tough it does not mean that next week will be. It just means I need to take care. I need to read more Syliva Plath poetry and eat more cake and get my hands messy.
Despite every panic attack and every breakdown, my heart will continue to beat. My heart may be a bit torn and damaged by despite everything it will still continue to beat. I will continue to fight. I will not give up. I have strength. I have bravery. I know because it takes strength to pull yourself out of a panic attack, especially three different times in a single week and I am giving myself credit for that. I know it is hard, I know it sucks but I am strong. I will get better.
One day things will be easier, I just have to hold on for that "one day".
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I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am,I am, I am. -Sylvia Plath
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