This Missing People Thing Really Sucks.

I said in my last blog that 'Change is OK, and sometimes change comes in the form of friendships' .I talked about how I was OK with the fact I am not as close with the friends I made in high school because change is inevitable,  but the truth is, I lied, I am not OK.
I feel like I have lost so many irreplaceable people who I will never get back.
I miss them and this 'missing people' thing really sucks.


I know that makes no sense, and that I am sounding crazy, but if I was presented with a magical genie and granted three wishes, I know that  I would wish for these three things;

1. I would wish for my friends to be in this room with me.
2. I would wish for just one day together.
3. I would wish for more communication

There, I said it.

I feel lonely and desperate.

And I feel like an idiot.

Social media has taken me hostage, it is screaming: 'check me!, check me!' . It is used its vigorous  ropes and tied me to my laptop, to my phone, and to my ipad. It tells me to constantly check my inboxes because I might get something from my friends and I want to reply as soon as I can.

 Every time I log on, I expect to see a tiny, red notification next to my inbox, or orange  notification at the bottom of my screen,  or a '1' next to my inbox.  

And every time I don't see it, I die a little bit inside.

It not like I am waiting for them to contact me first. I have tried contacting them. I have tried sending out inboxes, and text messages, and emails, and every thing else. I was desperately sending Facebook messages and text messages to my high school friends pleading to do something on the holidays. I am  trying and I feel like I am stepping two steps forward and than two steps back: I am getting nowhere. I want to spend time with them,  I want to talk more, and  I want our friendship to last.

I am holding out the rope, please pick up the other end and notice me.

I feel so alone. Pathetic aren't I? Didn't I learn from last year that I never am alone?
yet, I feel like I am on my own island. Isolated from my friends and I do not know what to do anymore.

I miss the friends I made in high school, and I do not think that they know how much I miss them. I feel like my soul has been ripped out and squeezed with all the might possible, and then  placed back with tiny pieces missing.

Every time I walk into my art room, I expect my friend to be somewhere in the classroom playing with the water colour pallet. I expect him to be in my art class because that is where he has been for four long years and it hurts to know he isn't there.
Every time I walk out of class for lunch and recess, I expect to find my friends somewhere cluttered around a picnic table but instead I find other people around a picnic table, or a computer in the library, or a spot in the park.
Every time I do not see them, my heart disintegrates little bit.

I was friends with these people for four years, we shared memories,  selfies,  answers on tests, and so much more. Why didn't anybody tell me to treasure every moment I had with them because one day it will end and it will never be the same again?
We are at different schools and it is hard to organise meet ups and it really hurts and I do not know what to do anymore.

Why is this so painful?
Why does it make me feel so empty and miserable?
whyyyyy does this suck so muchhh?



Positive:
I need to focus on the red roses not the dying insects.

I am reading a really good book.
That has nothing to do with my problem, but it is a positive.