Letting Go.

For the past two weeks, I have had a very serious question burning in my mind.  It's a question I don't really like thinking about it because it makes me sad, but, it's getting to a point where I need to deal with it.

What is going to hurt me more?

Holding onto one-sided friendships

or

Letting go of one-sided friendships

The answer may seem obvious but it is better said than done.

I am in a situation where I feel like I am putting in all the effort to make friendships survive and the opposite party is not putting in anything. I am trying to make our friendships survive but in the process I am constantly lead to a state of utter somber.

Why?

Good question!

Why am I trying desperately to keep the friendships I had throughout high school?.
What is the point?

 It is not because I believe I will die alone, it is not because I am scared of not having any friends.
It is simply because I want to keep these friendships . I like these people... a lot.

We shared four years together and we shared wonderful memories together,
sometimes I wonder if those four years were for nothing....

What have I done to try and make our friendships survive?

Too much.

Too muchhhh.
I have sent numerous emails,  Facebook messages, and  texts that go a lot like this;

"Hey!  do you want to hang out today?"
No? OK, That is fine.

"are you free today?"
No?, OK.

"what about tomorrow?"
*Getting a bit impatient* That is fine.

"what about next week?"
Oh, your busy throughout the whole week?

"Ok, when are you free then?"
You don't know, and you will get back to me? OK, I will be waiting...  

I have tried to compromise.

When the excuse "I have got homework" arises for the one hundredth time, I try and compromise. I understand that homework is time consuming and stressful.  I do two level threes (the most in this friendship circle)  and on a bad day I could be up until the early hours of a morning writing essays and rewriting and same sentence over and over again.

So I ask:

"What if we do our homework together at the library or the caf'e?"

or

"I know this great track we could go on, you could bring your camera and take photos for your photography class"

I even offer to help write essays and help do research, and every time I get the same response. A response that makes me dive deeper into my blankets, with vanilla yogurt, watching epic catwalk fails and funny cat videos pathetically  trying to control the tears streaming down my face.

I have tried to explain my point of view.
It is a universal rule that when somebody makes you sad you try and  tell them.
I have tried that.

"I really miss you and I really want to do something, we haven't seen each other since January and I really, really, really miss you"

and

"It really sucks that we don't see each other as often anymore. It makes me feel a bit sad that we do not meet up anymore, can we please do something?"

I dish my feelings out and I still get nowhere.
Expect deeper and deeper into the world of YouTube.

It is getting to a point.
Ten weeks.
Ten long weeks.
That is how long this has been going on for.

It is getting to that point where I am lying in bed crying for hours and wondering what I have done wrong.

and I can't do this anymore.

I can't spend my days crying in bed because I didn't get invited to an outing, or I wasn't tagged on a post on Facebook, or I got another  'Can't today: I'm busy'
I can't be stuck on my devices all day watching nothing but the 'seen' message pop up,  I can't get my hopes up for them to be crushed, and I can't be in the fetus position crying hysterically and feeling sorry for myself.
I can't do it anymore
I just can't.

I want to be happy.

When is it time to take a deep breath and move on?

Now,

before it is too late and before I dig myself deeper into a mental mind frame I do not want to be in.

It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on. If I want to become a happier person I need to let go and give myself permission to STOP TRYING TO HARD  on friendships where the opposite party isn't putting  any effort in.

It is time to make new memories with new friends.