Month Three: I Survived my first term.

Eight essays, two novels, seven near-bus misses, countless amounts of sleepless nights,
and I'm  done.
             ... for two weeks.
I am beyond jubilant that my teachers have showed mercy and haven't given me any work to do other the holidays so I can lay in my bed, read, and do nothing.

So, what have I learnt in my first term in college?
Other than about the compositional language that Fitzgerald and Silvey uses in The Great Gatsby and Jasper Jones, and that I am the queen of April Fool jokes.


I've learnt that friendships are unavoidable 
Making friends was always something I struggled with. During high school I always felt like I didn't belong in an environment where people were so invested into their mobile phones and malicious gossiping. I did not feel safe walking the hallways because most times I was being victimized with some prejudice form of bullying. 
I was a black sleep. (Baaa, baa, baaa)

When I started college,  I did not know who was following me from high school. I knew that I would have my cousin because she promised she would be there for me, but I knew I would be walking into college without most of  the friends I made in high school.

After a while of being 'babysat' by my cousin, I knew had to learn how to make my own friends, which was something I haven't done in a very  long time.
But I did it.

So, how did I do it?

• I brought food,
• I brought books,
• And I kept a positive mind frame.  

That is a lie, I do not know how I did it. All I can say is that I did it. I made friends.
Although, the last point is true. I did keep  an open, positive mind frame. I  put my courage in a sticking spot and I talked to people and before I knew it I had an abundance amount of people whom I call 'friends'.
I absolutely hate the 'getting- to know- you'  phase. I hate small talk, and I hate those repetitive questions everybody asks you in the first few weeks in college: 'What high school did you go too?' , 'Where do you live?' (often followed by 'Where is that?') and 'What classes do you take?', and I hate awkward moments.
 So when ever somebody asks me those questions, I pretended I was an extrovert and  I answered with as much information I could;
For example: What high school did you go to?

My response--
I went to this high school. It is a small school but it had good teachers and an excellent library. My favourite subject was English and my Creative Writing class that I took at the end of grade ten.  When I was grade nine I was apart of a student exchange to Thailand and I spent two weeks in Thailand attending a Thai school called Sa-nguan Ying School.

And than people would ask me about Thailand, than I would go on and on about being in Thailand and our convocation will not have any awkward moments and I would feel a bit more comfortable.

I understood that everybody was probably struggling finding friends. I knew that I could not be the only one who was feeling like a ghost walking the hallways. There are 800 grade 11s at my college, that is 800 people who had to move to a brand new environment and deal with so much enviable change.               
Once I understood that there was 800 students in the same boat as me, I started to feel a bit happier and confident. I started to talk to some of those 800 students, because  I knew we can both relate to the sudden change we were  both facing.

It was not easy, there was a few rough patches, especially during the first few weeks but nobody told me it was going to be easy. I kept a positive mind frame and I knew the rough patches would only be ephemeral. I knew that without the struggle life wouldn't be as sweet (As Conner Franta states in his book, A life In Progress ). For the first few weeks I felt like a ghost. I felt invisible.  I felt emotional and I did not know when  would find "my people" but  after a while (miraculously)  I started to find those people. They were hiding in libraries behind computer screens,  in class behind textbooks, in crowded courtyards, and deep in the park. They were out there and I just had to open my eyes and find them.

After a while I started to develop friends in all my classes.
I just  love walking into class and immediately feeling like I belong amongst people just like me.

I did a good job, considering last year, I strongly believed I wasn't going to make any friends. I believed that I wouldn't fit in, but I have. There are so many people here that if I did not  'click' with certain people, I can also go searching for others.
I do not belong to just one social group, I belong to a few... I am like that dude from Me and Earl and The Dying Girl in the first few chapters.

I made friends because friendships are inevitable. It is impossible to not make friends when you are in a classroom with people who chose to be there. It is impossible to not  make friends when everyone is on the same boat as you: everyone is starting new. I just had to challenge myself to go find them.

I also learnt that friends come and go with time and  that is perfectly OK. I already knew that change is inenviable but I learnt that sometimes change comes in the form of friendships.
It saddens me deeply that I am not as close as I used to be with my friends I made in high school and it breaks my heart that I am not apart of their new adventures. Sometimes I feel like I am on my own little island whilst they are laughing and having fun on a different island that has chocolate cake, colourful party lights, and endless rounds of Twister .  I miss them; I miss their smiles,their infectious laughter,  their kindness, their randomness, and their voices.
I feel like I am being repetitively stabbed in the heart when ever they get together without me.
I miss them terribly. BUT, that is OK because friends come and go with time.
It is not my fault that we are not as close as we used to be, I have done nothing wrong. I think it is just all apart of growing up. (I'm hoping  it is all apart of growing up)
I know they will always hold a very special part in my heart, I will always treasure our time together,  and I know we will always remain friends, they signed all contact that is "defiantly law bond and not something I wrote up one night and than edited in History" agreeing to always be my friend, so I know they will always say they are my friend, unless they want a piece of flesh cut of nearest their heart.
but it just sucks sometimes, but it is OK.


I learnt that there are ways to avoid stressing out. 
College is stressful, , but you learn techniques  to deal with everything going on.

I always try my hardest, especially when it comes to my school work. I always strive for the best and sometimes that drives me into a bottomless pit of stress and worry. I stress over if what I am doing makes sense and if it is good enough.  I am easily overwhelmed when I have too much to do and little time.

On the fourth week of college I was so stressed out because I was presented with an analytical compressive essay and I had no idea how to do it. I avoided started until it got to a point where two days before it was due I laid paralysed in my bed. I  was avoiding it because the little devils inside my brain was yelling me and attacking me with their swords and screaming 'You can not do it' and 'you are going to fail' , and 'every single word you are going to type is going to be shit'
 I was up to 2AM staring at a word document overcome with fear. I was petrified  that anything  I wrote would result in  instant fail.
So how did I get out of my 'pickle'?
I just started. I killed the mini devils with rainbows and unicorns// positivity.
I started writing what I knew because I had two days until it was due and it was better than doing nothing.
 I wrote down everything I knew and organised it into sentences and then into paragraphs and than into an essay structure  I kept it at one idea at a time and  one word at a time until I had an essay in front of me comparing the poetry of Andrew Marvell and Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
I  ignored the side of my brain that was telling me I was going to fail. I just wrote, and wrote, and wrote until I was finished. I fell asleep with a laptop on my lap and papers scattered all over my bed, but I did it. I ended up getting all B's, so I must of did all right, but I learnt to never save things until the last minute, and to think positively, and to just start.



When I am stressed I go to my happy place. A place deep in the park that overlooks the boats sitting peacefully on the river. A place where I lay my head on a trunk of a strong tree, and look up at the colliding branches and listen to the high-pitched sound of ducks and birds.                                
My phone and distractions get switched off and I am only allowed to think positively.  (A 'Happy place' is called a happy place for a reason!!) My happy place is filled with necessary  self-encouragement and reassurance. I say to myself 'Jazz, you can do it!'  and 'You are doing such a good job!' .
I lay down my laptop, or my notebook, or my assigned reading book, and do what ever I need to do.  I found that when I am sitting on the grass with my head resting on a strong tree, away from all distractions, I slip into a mind frame where I can effectively get everything done.

I see students who are paralysed with stress, they are walking zombies living of cups of coffee , with deep panda-like eyes, carrying four binders, and running to class with papers falling behind them. I just want to hug them and take them deep into the park and make them feel better. I want to hug them tight and tell them that they are going to be all right.

When worst comes to worst and I can not go to my happy place to turn my mind off, I sit in my room with relaxing music and block the whole world out.  I remind myself that grades do not define my life (I listen to the Slam Poem 'Grades Do Not Define Our Lives') and that if I try hard, I am never going to fail. . I take a few deep breath and tell myself I am going to be fine.

And I go hug my dog.
It has actually been scientific proven that dogs help reduce stress-- it is something to do with the hormone oxytocin. (or something, I do not really know) .
When I feel the soft fur of my dog everything instantly fixes its self. It is magic.

Meditation also works well, and communication, and taking small breaks.

After I do something that I need to do, I reward myself.
Any excuse is an excuse to eat chocolate mud cake!
or to read a few chapters of a book,
or to write.



So How Do I Avoid Stressing Out?
I ignore the negative side of mind telling me I am going to fail, I just start whatever I need to start and worry about the rest later, I tell myself that everything is going to me OK, I go deep into a park to a place underneath the trees, I pet my dog, I reward myself.

I still have three terms to learn more strategies that work.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~



So, How am I going to spend these two weeks?
DOING NOTHING .

I said it as the start of the post, and I will say it again: I am so thankful that my teachers did not give me any work to do.


My sister has a reputation of spontaneously walking through the front door .
And she has taken the school holidays as an excuse to surprise us. So I will be treasuring every minute we have together. She lives in Melbourne so I do not get too see her as often as I like. So far she has came into my room and cleaned my cupboards and made me chocolate ripple cake... I am living in a fantasy!!!

I am going to tackle my giant TBR pile. I've been slowly collecting books from the libraries and putting them on myself since the start of term, my sister also brought along The Happiness project, and Lena Dunham's Not that Type of Girl , so those are the first I am going to venture to.


Other than that, I am going to lay in bed and do nothing. All the things I have been craving for nine long weeks.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~