My Year was a Giant Learning Experience.

I told somebody that my year was shit, but I take it back..

Yes, my year was tough, but it wasn't shit...

I like learning new things so I'm just going to take my tough year and use it as a giant learning experience.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

I learnt there are people in the world that love making others feel horrible.

The amount of abuse I endured this year because of the acts of cruel bullies is unbelievable. There is still so much to write about, and there is still so much nobody (except me) knows about. You can read what I have already written about in my other posts. To summarize it; bullies targeted me, I was not given any peace, and bullies left me feeling depressed. It was horrible, just horrible and I just put up with it all. I just put up with all their  bulling and I didn’t tell my bullies to stop because I was scared of them and how I would be perceived by others. As a consequence my mental health just plummeted. I was not okay. When the bullies saw me sitting by myself, and when they saw me crying, and when they saw that I was suffering because of their actions, they didn't show any mercy. They did not stop unless they had some form of discipline put onto them, and even then some of them still didn't stop. My bullies loved to make me feel worthless, scared, insignificant, unsafe, and hopeless and it's because of them that I have learnt that there are people in this earth who are going to stop at nothing to make others feel horrible and I'll never understand why.  I'll never understand why there are people in this earth who get a thrill in making others feel like nothing, but unfortunately these types of people exist and they are out there spreading negativity like how people would spread Nutella. It doesn't make sense, it's not fair, and it's not right... but unfortunately they are out there.

                 ....And they will be heavily featured in my bestselling memoir as antagonists who made me feel so awful.

 I learnt that there are good people in this world who care.

 I learnt in kindergarten that everything has an opposite, like how sad is the opposite of happy and how sit is the opposite of stand, etc. Well, I've learnt if there are bad people in this world than there has to be good people. Unfortunately that took me a while to believe  because I was in mind frame where I could only see the negatives. I strongly believed that nobody was noticing as I started to rapidly isolate myself, I thought nobody was noticing as I suddenly preferred to kept to myself, I thought nobody was noticing as I came to class in tears or on the urge of tears, I thought nobody was noticing as I slowly becoming sadder and sadder, and completely changing the type of person I was. But people did notice and I'm so glad they did.

 I learnt there are people who will ask me if your OK , there are people who will be there for me, there are people who will listen to what I’ve need to say, there are people who will believe me, there are people who will ask me what is going on, there are people who will help me, there are people who will try their hardest to get the bullies to stop, there are people who will go above and beyond to make sure I’m OK, there are people who will talk to me when I feel lonely, there are people who are going to remind me that I matter, there are people who will constantly remind me to keep going and that life is going to get better, there are people who will do all this and so much more because they care about me and they want to see me happy. It's because of the actions of the people who care about me I started to learn again that there are good people in this world. There will always be good people and that's such a blessing because without them I would of never survived. 

 I went through a phase where I felt so alone, a phase were I strongly believed that there were only bad people in the world but I've learnt that there is good people who care about me. I have an abundance amount of people who care about me and I'll never forget that again.

I learnt that when people make me feel awful I need to do something that makes me happy.

There is something I’ve never told anybody but I need to write it down so I can finally move on, here it goes; I used to purposely physically harm myself, I’d create  scars all up my wrists and I’d get an unusual feeling of satisfaction every time I did it. I didn't do it all the time, but I did when I felt like I was at my worst points.  I was purposely causing myself physical pain because I felt like I did not matter to anybody including myself. I was physically harming myself and hurting myself to somehow make myself feel better-- to distract myself and make myself feel something. It’s hard to explain why I felt the need to do it, as I don’t fully understand myself, but the point is I was self-harming. Majority of these scars have healed and went away but I hate being reminded that I was once so low where I felt like I did not matter to anybody including myself.  But, I guess we do some pretty awful stuff to ourselves when we are not in a good mind frame.

 I stopped when I felt like I mattered to somebody and to myself.

Now I have developed much healthier strategies. I still get upset when people bully me. I still wonder why life is so unfair. After I finished wondering why life is so unfair I try and do something to make me happy to distract myself from whatever the bullies did. 

I write about it;

I write a blog, I write a poem; I write lists, I write letters to people, I write in my diary, I write about what is happening around me, I write short stories, I write long stories ... I just put pen to paper or fingers to keys and write something. I use the incredible power of words to get everything out.  I have learnt that by writing about what is happening that I start to identify with how I’m feeling and it calms me down and makes me happier. When I write it gives me an opportunity to write about anything; I can write about how much I hate people, I can write about a girl who goes through the same issues as me, I can write about my day, I can write about the day I wish I had instead, I can create different worlds were anything is possible, and that makes me feel so much better. 

I read a book;

I have learnt that books have a way of taking you onto a journey and makes you escape into another world. A world away from your troubles and I love that: I love being able to pick up a book and be transported into a different world when mine becomes a little bit tough. Sometimes I am transported into an amazing book where the main character is going through exactly the same issues as me and it makes me feel less alone and gives me something to hold onto. I have this spot at my house, it's the best spot-- It's actually been named 'Jazz's spot' where I go to read. It is outside in the corner of my yard and the only thing I can hear is my neighbor occasionally talking to my cat, other than that I hear the birds singing their melodies and I breathe in the fresh air and I can see butterflies flying past. It’s just so peaceful and I love it there. I spend all day out here with a book in my hands; it’s the equivalency of heaven... except on earth.

Don't mean to brag but I have read 100 books this year since July.

I also do other things; I go do something nice to somebody,I go out with people, I eat chocolate (because chocolate has a way of fixing everything), I create art, I look at photos from my exchange trip, I send messages to my cousin/best friend reminding her I love her, I go hug my dog and take him on a walk, I take a nap, I go to my happy place, I google random words and learn their meanings and origins (a crazy obsession of mine),  I remind myself that life is amazing and that the bullies are dickheads who are going to be in a book shaming all their actions and it will be a best seller. (And possibly made into a movie with Rebel Wilson or Jennifer Lawrence  playing me and Chris Colfer playing one of my friends, because I'm a dreamer)

I’ve learnt that every time someone called my 'Frostyyy' to just compare it too last names that are worse than Frost -- At least I don't have a Greek last name nobody can spell. I've  learnt that I can get people to call me Jazz because every time someone calls me Jasmin I hear JasMAN and it just brings all those emotions up again. (Tip those who want to name their child Jasmin/Jasmine: don't,  just don't. Although it might sound like a pretty name it's not that glorious, name your child Ophelia instead.)

I learnt that sometimes the words that bullies throw at me are wrong-- I am not dumb (mainly because dumb means "unable to speak") I am not stupid or unintelligent, I am not a freak, I am not ugly, I am not lazy; the world will not be a better place if I was to go die . Sometimes it takes me a while to understand that they are wrong, and sometimes I do believe them. I am going to try my best to not believe them anymore as that's letting them win and it's about time I won. I deserve to win.

I learnt that the next time my hands go clumpy, I feel like my heart is beating a thousand times a minute and I can't catch my breath, where my body starts to tinkle and go dumb and it's shaking uncontrollably, I feel dizzy and like the room is spinning around me, and I feel sick and empty. I need to remove myself from whatever is making me panic like this, go to a quite space by myself, and just breathe. (It helps to put ear phones into my ear and listen to my relaxing soundtracks)

I learnt that I do have friends and I always will.

I had a devil inside my head that was playing with my emotions and rationalizing everything my friends were doing. My friends did nothing wrong yet the devil inside my brain was telling me that they had. The devil inside my head was making up excuses like; 'She doesn't want to sit next to you because she hates you' and 'she doesn't want to be your partner because she wants nothing to do with you’.  When in reality none of it was true. One of my worst fears was that my friends would stop talking to me because I didn't matter enough to them. I learnt to overcome that fear by understanding that it was all in my head, and that was hard to do but I overcame it in the end. I had to in order to be happier. 

I learnt that you need good friends in life; You need someone to rely on, you need someone to write you poems when you are sad, you need somebody to take you to the leavers' dinner because your too scared that as soon as you get out of that car people will meow at you, you need somebody to sit next to and who will let you copy his maths work, you need someone who will let you hide in her house whilst your brother's friends are at your house, you need someone who will listen to you as you talk about nothing except books, you need someone who will let you join in and play down-ball with during break times, you need someone who will make room on a table for you, you need someone who won’t pick you last in activities, you need someone to will stick up for you, you need someone to constantly beat at chess (and who will still play you even if you rub it in his face),you need someone who will have Glee marathons with you and listen to you enthusiastically fan girl when Chris Colfer comes on the screen and cry with you when Cory Monteith comes on, you need someone who will accept you for you, you need someone who will give you advice when you need it,  you need someone who will remind you that they are there for you in your darkest moments, you need somebody who will read your blogs (despite how incredibly long they are), you need somebody who will try their hardest to make sure you’re okay, and most importantly you need someone to invite to help celebrate your 17th birthday and eat cake with you, because without that, and so much more you'll just feel empty.

I learnt it is possible to fear your own mind.

The devil inside my head wasn’t just messing up with my social life, he was making me analyse every word people say to me for up to days -- even simple words. The devil inside my head would make me question every word people told me and make me wonder why they said what they said and it drove me insane. I would lay up at night questioning innocent words people said. 

I was terrified of antagonizing anybody because I didn't want anyone to start hating me and start to  bulling me but the  devil inside my head was constantly always telling me that I somehow antagonized whomever I was talking to. As a result I thought it was better to avoid that person (or people) for as long as possible-- I’d put my head down in the hallways, in classrooms, and I’d completely ignore them because I thought it would be better to avoid them before they start to bully me .I rapidly started to not talk to anybody and sit by myself because I did not want anybody  to have a reason to bully me. (I  apologize for it now. Your mind does insane things when you can’t control it).The devil inside my head was constantly yelling at me and bringing up more anxiety and stress and I hated it, I was terrified of it, I was terrified of my own mind. It was horrible. There were days were I just wanted the devil inside my head to shut up and leave me alone, but he wouldn’t.

The devil inside my head was making me miserable and I was terrified of him, and he didn't help when I started to became extremely anxious to walk into classrooms, to walk the hallways, to walk past people, and to even talk to people because he was inside my head telling me that I’d somehow be bullied again. (And sometimes he was right, and I was bullied). I learnt that when he is yelling at me from inside my head I need to just ignore him and pretend he isn't there. I need to understand that sometimes he is wrong; he is rationalizing everything and taking everything to be negative, and it was  hard to ignore him but I sometimes I  just needed to because I wanted to be happy. 

I also learnt that if I'm nice to people, people will be nice to me in return,and knowing that eradicates the stress that people will be mean to me.

 I learnt that I do not have to go through my troubles alone.  I learnt that telling people what is happening can actually make me feel a bit happier and can make me feel as though the devil inside my head isn’t taking over. (Although to be honest, I was very stubborn and only told one person) I learnt that it's OK to tell people how your feeling (This is still something I struggle with but is something that needs to be done) you just have to find the right person who cares enough about you to listen without judgment.

Bullies made me develop a devil inside my head and it makes me hate them even more. The devil is still in my mind but he has learnt to shut up and when he does start yelling I have learnt to ignore him to the best of my ability. (The devil’s name is Dick, by the way). I am going to do anything in my power to make sure he is never going to take over me again because I love hearing the sound of birds and the pitter-patter of my dogs feet instead of voices yelling at me inside my head.

I learnt that change is scary but good.

Change is scary (no, change is terrifying!!!) but without change you get stuck in a routine and once you’re stuck in that routine it’s a lot like being stuck in mud -- It takes a lot of effort to get out! I was stuck in a very unhealthy routine that was making me unhappy. I learnt that changing a few things can actually make your happier and can help you break out of that unhealthy routine. When I was ready, I walked a different route to school so I could walk with my friends and start the day with a large smile and with the sense of belonging.  I started to not spend my whole lunch times in the corner of the library; I started to break that routine by going to talk to somebody, I’d start when the music was going and then five minutes before the music would go and then gradually until half way through lunch. I'd always go talk to the same person out in the yard but I felt like that was still a win (And sometimes I’d receive hugs from my eight year old cousin, her hugs fixes everything).I started to sit in different seats when I went into classrooms and next to different people who are nice, And I even learnt to leave the book in my bag and spend my break times with people, I’m so glad I did that because if I never did that I would have never learnt how to play down-ball. In other words: I would have never got out every twenty seconds,although I did make it to king once or twice because I played with amazing people who understood I'd never played before and who taught me. 

I'm not going to lie; I was hard to break that routine, but I did it! I took baby steps.Then when I was ready I took giant leaps by writing how I felt onto blog posts for everyone to see. And by writing these blogs it makes me feel liberated from all those negative feelings and makes me able to move on. 

I learnt that when it comes to growing up, change is inevitable --  things are gonna' change! And you can't waste precious time fearing it.

I learnt to focus on the positives.

Life is amazing. There are so many things to be happy about, for example; when I was writing this a ladybug landed on me.

                      ... I'm hoping it's a ladybug...are ladybugs in season?

Anyway, If it was a ladybug I'm taking it as a sign of good luck.

At the end of most days I write positives into my diary. Some days I can list so many positives that have made me happy throughout the day and that's great, and some days I can only think of one thing that made me smile, and that's okay, at least I can think of something that made me happy. I started sometime in my last term at school and I’d force myself to think about two things that made me happy; half the time  it was talking to the same person about books, or about what was going on, or the fact that she just accepted my cooking again (even if I can't cook). Some entries I simply said the positives were that I felt like I belonged or I felt like I mattered to somebody, or that I had a really good lunch, or that I learnt something really interesting. I learnt to focus on these positives instead of the negatives that were being thrown towards me. And I learnt once I started to focus on the positives everything started to be OK again, everything started to become "normal" again. 

I learnt to just focus on the future: I need to keep going, life will get better and for me it has. I'm put on the earth for a reason and I cannot let bullies make me doubt my life. I cannot let bullies make me not want to be alive; I cannot let bullies make me think that life would be better if I wasn't here because for a while they made me think that.

I learnt that I can overcome anything.

I went through a phase this year when I couldn't see a positive. I was so miserable, I was so depressed. There were times were I felt so inadequate and so worthless; I felt like nobody liked me, I felt like nobody would care or listen to what I needed to say, I felt like I did not matter to anybody, I felt hopeless, I felt like a waste of space, I was scared of my own mind, and I spent so long crying and being miserable. I was  really not in a very good mind space because of the actions and words of cruel antagonists.

But, I slowly became happier thanks to all the lovely protagonists in my life. And I'll forever be thankful for that.

Right now I'm a 8/10... or maybe a 8 and a half/ 10 or maybe a 9/10 . Point is, I am on the positive side of the number scale .I understand that it’s impossible to always be on the positive side of the number scale but I know what to do when I feel myself going down to the low numbers. I just have to trust myself to do something instead of doing nothing.

If I can overcome a whole year of ridiculous bulling and having a broken mind frame then I can probably overcome anything. I can overcome any heartbreak, any traumatic experience, ANYTHING.

But let’s just hope I don't have any more depressing moments in my life... for a while. For the moment I just really want some peace.

                                                    ... Some well-deserved peace.

_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

There is still so much more I want to say, and there is still so much I learnt but I have to save for my memoir otherwise it won't be a bestseller.

Plus, this blog post is getting way to long.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

What still I need to learn;

I need to learn to not let the words and actions of ruthless, abusive, mean bullies get to me.

Does anyone have a 'How to’ book on that?

What the people reading this can learn.

TO BE NICE TO PEOPLE.

                     ....as simple as that.

`_~_~_~_~_~~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

Am I happy?

Yes I am happy. I am terrified of going back into the mental frame I was in but I’m writing about it so I can finally move on and hopefully never go back.

I do get extremely upset when people be mean to me, but doesn't everybody? Nobody has been mean to me these holidays and I'm hoping it stays like that because I deserve some peace. I still have a lot of anxiety with being around and talking to people but it's not as bad as it used to be (hopefully it will never be as bad as it used to be), I find it really hard to go places where there will be a lot of people and I feel safer if I have somebody who I trust with me just in case something happens. I still have the devil inside my mind but he is being squished with positivity. Sometimes I still do get a sudden feeling of uncontrollable panic, that sucks, but in a way it’s okay because I have learnt what to do and it doesn't even happen as often as it used to. 

I’m much more positive now. I actually believe I am the happiest I've ever been right now. I love life. Life is amazing. I wake up every day with a smile (even if I am woken up early by my dogs barking).I feel so lucky right now as I know  there is somebody who cares enough about me to be reading my blog and reading the words that I kept inside of me for so long.

I am going to have faith that next year is going to be so much better. I know everyone says that the new year will being a "new me" , but in 2016 you will be seeing a new Jazz -- A much  more positive Jazz,  you might even see a stronger Jazz who doesn't let bullies get too her. One thing is for certain, you are going to defiantly see a Jazz who is happier. 2016 is going to be a new year and a new start. 

My birthday is soon. I've never had a birthday party before or one of those birthday-party dinners.. This is because I've never felt like I've had friends before and because parents don't really throw parties for middle children, and because my birthday is too close to Christmas, but guess who is having her first birthday get together. ...Me! It's taken me 17 long years to be center of attention on January 8th and I'm going to treasure every second of it.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

To the people who I said that my year was shit: I take it back, I take it back, I take it backkkkkk

I seriously take it back.

My year was tough and it was hard, but it was not shit, what it was a giant learning experience. A learning experience I wouldn't wish upon anybody. A learning experience that I hope I never have to experience again but if I do I know what to do, I know that I'm not alone, and I know that there are  people care about me and these people will receive some form of  desperate communication if I feel myself slipping back into the mental frame I was in.

"But if I let those types of people bring me down, the people too pigheaded to encourage the good I'm trying to spread into the world, then I'm not as smart as I think I am. From this day on, I refuse to let anyone bring me down to a point where I can't take a horrible situation and spin it into something beneficial. I will never let anyone make me feel like anything I don't want to feel again or rob me of the passions that make me who I am" -Struck By Lighting, Chris Colfer

`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`--`-`-`-`-`-`-`--`-`

I also learnt the importance of saving your work. Five times I forgot to save this post and had to re-write passages I wrote. FIVE TIMES. (#dedication)