I've Survived.

I've been patiently waiting for this day my whole High school life.

Every time someone made me feel like shit, every time someone bullied me, every time someone meowed at me, every single time I was made to feel inadequate, I'd just look forward to this day where I can just walk away and never have to see these people again.

And, it's finally came.

I can now officially say that I, Jazz Frost, have survived high school.

I did it.

I actually did it!

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This year was a tough year. I spent so much of this year being unhappy and miserable. People loved to victimize me and make me feel awful about myself. They loved to make me feel like shit, and as a result I went deeper and deeper into a place that can only be described as "Nothingness".  At times I felt so depressed; I could not see a single positive in any situation. I felt so isolated; it felt like I was slowly drifting further and further away from the people around me. I felt so worthless; I believed that I had no purpose in life and that just did not matter.  I felt so hopeless; I was not given any peace or time to just relax before someone else would bully me. I felt unsafe; I dreaded going to school every single day because people were constantly bulling me.

I had so much anxiety that wouldn't go away.

I felt like I couldn't do anything right.

I felt like I did not matter and that my existence was not important. 

For majority of the year bullies made me feel trapped like a bird in a cage. It wasn't until the last few weeks, when I felt like I had the unconditional support and love of those around me that I was finally able to spread my metaphorical-wings just a bit. Bullies constantly targeted me and did not give me any peace. Peace that I desperately wanted.

There were times where I wanted to somehow find a way to give up. The feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, and hopelessness just took over and I just did not know what to do. I could not stop thinking about all the negative things that were happening in life and I refused to talk about it because I was just really stubborn.  I was constantly overwhelmed and stressed out. I didn't know if life was going to get any better and I could not get the horrible feelings to escape from my mind.

Half way through the year I did not know how I was going to survive. The day where I'd finally be able to walk away from my bullies and never see them again just felt so far away. I felt like the days were purposely going by slowly. There were days were I just did not speak, I'd spend all my time after school in my room laying on my bed and sometimes I didn't even come out to eat. I spent all my time at school sitting by myself and hoping nobody would talk to me, including my bullies.  I isolated myself from people even my family members. I felt like nobody cared about me and that nobody would care.
 I . Was. Miserable.
... I guess  my mind frame was just in a very bad place.

I wanted to somehow give up, but I held onto that day were I'd finally be able to walk away from the people who made me feel this way, and never see them again.  

Today it's finally came!

and I could not be happier right now.

The bulling never stopped, It might of died down, but it never stopped. I got meowed this week by some boys in my grade whilst our class was watching a movie.

As usual, I did not do a thing to antagonize them; in fact my back was turned to them.

They chose to victimize me. Out of everyone in the room it was me they chose to release their negative energy onto.

When these boys meowed at me, it made me feel horrible, and it made me feel so worthless, and it made me feel hopeless; I thought that by writing a blog about it and publishing it for the whole world to see would somehow miraculously make the bulling stop.

But, I was wrong.

I think I went into panic mode; my face started to tingle and it felt like my body was shaking uncontrollably . I closed my eyes and I couldn't catch my breath, I felt really dizzy. I felt really upset and I had small tears coming down my face. I had somebody ask me if I was okay, I told her I had a headache because I just did not want to talk about it. (Because I was stubborn)

Do you know what I did?.

 I went and sat in the other room by myself and I cried, because I felt so hopeless and I felt so miserable. I put my head in a book because I just wanted to escape. 

And do you know what I did when I went home?

I wrote a short story about one of them, and he died a slow painful death by getting mauled by a big, hungry lion whilst everyone in my grade just watched and ate popcorn and I ate chocolate mud cake

                         .... Then I felt so much better.

And then I went back to school and won an award, and they didn't.

                         ....and that made me feel even better!

 It's just pathetic how people are still treating me like this; it is pathetic how people still find it entertaining to make me feel awful. It's ludicrous how throughout this whole year the people who have bullied me can remember an event that happened so long ago, yet they can't remember how to be nice to people.... or to bring a pen to class!

In case you are wondering; the longest I went without being meowed at was around two and a half weeks.

          ...out of the whole year.

I would like to say that I'll never be meowed at again, but I have said that so many times this year and felt so disappointed and hopeless when my hopes were crushed.

                             

After all the bullshit I put up with this year I miraculously have a smile on my face because life is amazing. LIFE. IS. AMAZING. 

I just survived High School and that's such a great achievement that I am so proud of.                            I survived High School and I could not have done it without the support of certain people.
I say that High School  was tough that's because it was. I feel like High school is tough for everyone because we are all trying to find where we belong... It's the plot for nearly every Young Adult Book!

For me, High School was tough (I've already said that, but I'll say it again!) but, it was also a great adventure. Throughout my time in High School I have made so many great friends and I have made so many positive memories that will forever be cherished. I've smiled, I've laughed, I tried my best, and when I started to feel happier I actually started to enjoy it, and I might even miss it.

Although, I am not going to miss the bulling. 

Next step; Collage.

My cousin/best friend had promised me that she will look after me when I get too collage, she has promised me that collage will be a new start and that it will be so much better. I believe her, but I am still feeling unsure. How do I know that I'm going to be okay?

 I think it's just because everything is going to change and become different, Change is scary but Change is inevitable.  

 I understand that I'm only going up from here. I'm excited for the future. I am going to be the first person in my family to graduate from college and receive their TCE* (I am NOT going to drop out like the rest of my family members), I'm going to be the very first person in my family to start university, I am going to be the first person in my family to write a book. I am going to try my best to ignore the side of my brain that is telling me that I'm not going to be okay, and just have trust in that I'm am going to be absolutely fine. 

Bring on holidays! I finally get a long, well-deserved break from bullies who love to make me feel awful. You are going to see me  treasuring every minute of the Tasmanian bipolar weather. I hope it doesn't rain on my birthday like it did last year. 

I'm happy. 

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*Tasmanian Certificate of Education