I'm giving myself some credit

. Remember when I said my worst fear was having someone in my classes from my high school
Well,,,
4/5.
I'm. so . lucky .
The odds of attending such a large school is not in my favour.

I am working on it  but my brain is still in high school mode. I still live in fear of people meowing at me. I am in fear of people throwing stuff at me. I am  in fear of people yelling out a parody of my name as I walk the hallways.  I am in fear of people knowing the type of person I was in grade 10 and a lot of other things that I'm not ready to admit yet.

 I know it's stupid and I know it's irrational and I know it all sounds silly and I know time has passed, I know all this.
but my body doesn't.

Although some classes are much, much better than others, my mind is on high alert when I am around people. All these memories come flashing into my head and I don't know the difference between "then and now" . My body likes to react in the sucky way it always does-- with panic.
which is not fun.
 At . all.
Blehhh, it sucks. It really, really does.

It makes me feel a lot like poop because it makes me feel hopeless and trapped.

-cue my favourite emoji-


I am making myself a small list of things I am giving myself credit for because I may be in a state of uncertainty and "poop-ness" but  I am doing OK.


 I like to remind myself of the few things I am doing right.

This is a list of the things I am giving myself credit for.

 I am trying my hardest. 

 I survived three panic attacks this week 

 I attended all my classes this week, even when I wanted to run away and hide.

That I haven't cut myself in  nearly three months. The longest I have stayed clean since june/july last year. 

I nearly solved  Rubik cube (all sides expert the yellow side, and YES I am giving myself credit for it. It IS hard work!! ) 

I haven't been blaming or punishing  myself for other people's emotions.

It may not be a long list but it's something and it is such an improvement.
This is my blog, I can say whatever I want. And I just want to say, I am doing a good job. I may not be perfect but I am coping much more better compared to last year and I'm happy for myself.
I'm happier.
I don't know how long this happiness is going to last for before everything goes downhill again so I am trying to savour it.
I have hope.
A tiny little voice that haven't heard in a very long time  is finally screaming "It's going to get better" and I believe it. Everything is going to get better. I am going to get better. Life is going to get better.

 One day someone is going to ask me how I am and my reply is not going to be a lie.


Baby steps. baby steps.
Go me.

Everything is going to be OK.