I suck at blog titles (hens why there have been crappy titles) but there is one thing I am not sucky at nd that's not giving up on something that is important to me.
Today I accomplished something. I accomplished many things today actually, like speaking to my friends at the bus stop and eating two meals. (I can feel the calories in my stomach but I don't care. This body needs food.)
But I'm not talking about those small victories.
Today I solved my Rubik's cube.
If you know me, you know I've been working on this for nine months. I've been carrying it around every second of the day turning and spinning the sides trying to make them all the same colour.
But what many people don't know is that my rubiks cube is my obsession. Organising the sides (or side) is equivalent to organsing everything in my mind. When I solve a side on my cube everything in my mind feels is better. It feels more organised and it calms my insides down.
It's an obsession.
I feel forced to do it when I start becoming anxious.
And
I've had panic attacks because I have left it at home.
I feel a need to hold it every single second when I'm at school.
I have it on me all the time because I am terrified that if I don't have it in my hands something bad is going to happen to me. (Like, I am going to go into panic mode, or I am going to do something embarrassing, or people are going to say something mean to me)
I'm dependant on it.
Dangerously dependent.
And my mind is compelled towards it.
It's just a colourful cube, but my mind is convinced that is is some type of magical anxiety blocker that I must have in my hands every second of every school day.Although it is great to have something that eases me, it's not so great to be so obsessed and dependant.
I do not need to have it in my hands ALL the time to "protect" myself. Bad things will not happen if I do not have my Rubik's cube.
It has taken me nine months to relies that.
My goal was to solve it.
I saw my sister's partner complete it and I was jealous, so I wanted to complete it too, but it started to not be about completing it. It started to become a way of avoiding eye contact with people and then eventually trying to magically "fix" my mind.
It was time to go back to my original goal of solving it.
I have a very determined attitude when it comes to something I am passionate about (eg: why haven't I given up on school yet, despite school being a huge trigger for my anxiety-- I'm going to be the first in my family to get their TSC) IF I SAY I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING I AM GOING TO DO IT. and this is just an example of that. I can accomplish things I put my mind too and it proves I am capable of achieving anything.
I like metaphors.
And this is going to sound really poetic and like something a councillor (Aka: my sister) would say
But
I guess the moral of the story is to never give up.
Never, ever, ever, ever give up.
because one day, with a lot of work, all your pieces will come together and things will make a lot more sense. You'll be able to see things so much clearer.
You just have to be patient and trust that things will work out, because eventually they will. It may take a long, long time but one day things will be clearer.
Just keep everything balanced.
... and yeah, this is how I told SnapChat world I solved my Rubik's cube. (ID: jazz.maree , in case you were wondering)
My mind is like a rubiks cube. Right now it's all muddled and it doesn't make any sense (and it's pissing my perfectionist personality off because I need to be sorted and I need things to be OK) but I'm going to keep working on myself until things start making more sense. I won't give up until my pieces are in order. It may takes months and months but one day I will be at a stage where anxiety isn't ruining my life.
I know I can do this because if I can solve a Rubik's cube, I can do anything.
And now I can overcome this without my Rubik's cube in my hand every second of the school day.
Although I am still going to have it in my bag for when I need it . It's just not going to come out as often. Bad things are not going to happen if I do not have it in my hands all the time.
No comments:
Post a Comment