2/9/2017

My first day back at school only resulted in one meltdown and the consumerism of one entire block of chocolate. (because, apparently the chemicals in chocolate raises the chemicals in your brain. #science)
I don't even know how or why I got to breakdown point, but by lunch time I was crying in the park . I guess things just got to much; the people, mostly.

I spend my first lessons trying my best to control my racing heartbeat but feeling suffocated with the amount of people around me and leaving every classroom with the feeling that I had done something wrong and that everyone was talking about something that I did.
Walking around with the questions: Are those people staring at me? Have I done something wrong? Do I look OK? Are those people thinking I'm being rude to them? Are they judging me?' swimming around in my head on repeat.

 I can't stop thinking about how hard this year is going to be.
This is the year I am supposed to make something with my life. Everything I have learnt in the past has been building blocks for this year. Next year I am supposed to dive head first into the ''real world''.
and
that
is
scary
what if I haven't done enough? what if I have ruined my life career because of something I haven't learnt? what if I haven't taken advantage of a good opportunity throughout my schooling years and it comes back to haunt me?
and it's not just the whole, you know, "life" element. It's assignments. It's essay after essay,
it's getting back into the whole swing of school life that breaks so many perfectionist, extremely hard on themselves, over-achievers, parent-but-will-never-actually-please pleases, teenagers like me.

I know I'll get through it because I know I'm not alone. 

I am going to survive this school year and take it  one day at a time.
Everything is going to be OK and I am going to be OK.