2/15/2017

It has only been a week of school and the result of some days conclude in collapsing on my bed as soon as I hit the safety of my own home.

Some times it's a good thing. I get comfortable and I hug all the teddy bears on my bed (and that's a lot. I have twenty two and I refuse to not sleep with any because feeling isolated sucks) , I open my laptop and I immerse myself into the world of Youtube for an hour or two until I take Charlie for a run/walk, (I say 'run' because he IS a border collie and I HAVE to be practical) and I'm happy.
I'm really, really happy.

And

some days I come home, I collapse on my bed out of exhaustion, my teddy bears don't get hugged, I bury my head into the pillows and I just can't be bothered.

and it's just like: mehhh.
I start thinking 'why do I even bother when I will never be good enough' and various other negative thoughts.

Arggg.

Sometimes all the energy just escapes from my body and I'm just left in this messy pit and I always have to climb back up.
and it's so exhausting.
In metaphoric terms; it's like the waves at the beach. You think your doing great but the waves keep pushing you back into the sand and all you want to do is go out deep because that is where all the fun is. But the reality is you are just not strong enough to swim against the current and as a result  you keep getting pushed back head first into the sand.

and a day later, I'm having one of those days.
One of those  rare days. Days I promised my Mum I wouldn't do anymore because according to her I should be doing to school even when when I'm feeling like this  because "people have it worse" and  "I'm not sick".

I'm having one of those 'my anxiety is so bad I can't even get out of bed' days and just the thought of getting out of bed terrifies me to the core.
I can't move.
And I feel this giant wave of guilt and shame because I couldn't get up and go to school.

Why do the waves keep hitting me?
Why can't I swim out far to where all the fun is?
Why do I keep getting washed back headfirst into the sand?