2/17/2017

"I'm so jealous that you didn't get to do your exams last year. It must of felt amazing"

This is what somebody who I was friends with last year told me today whilst we were sitting in our writing class. I tried to ignore her stupid comment and brush it away, but I am an extremely sensitive person and I got mad and took offense.

First off:
No

Just. No.
no. no no. no.no.no.no.no noooooooooo

It did not feel "amazing". It felt awful. It felt like I was so weak I couldn't bring myself to 'cross the finish line' of my grade 11 courses. I felt like a failure. It felt like I was alienated from my peers because I couldn't so something I saw as a "normal" task and I felt like I was stupid because I thought I wasn't like everyone else.

(Now I realise I'm not any of those things. I'm learning and growing and adapting)


and second: I don't understand.
I do not understand... what you are jealous off?

The fact that I have a brain that screams "every one is judging you!" and I struggle to walk through a hallway without being convinced that everyone is watching me and judging  for the way I am walking, the way I am dressed, the way I am carrying my binders, the way I'm breathing...

That I always am taking caution because I am terrified of doing something embarrassing and everyone talking about me and my name becoming headline news and constantly being reminded about that stupid, embarrassing thing I did.

That I struggle to be around a lot of people without feeling panicky. That socialising with people outside my comfort zone takes a lot of effort. That I isolate myself because it is much easier to sit by  myself and feel extremely lonely than to speak to people my own age.

That I jump with every loud noise because my body is convinced something bad is going to happen to me or the person I'm with.

That I start hyperventilating and I have no idea but I have to quickly try and get my breathing back onto track before it escalates into a full-blown panic attack and I'm left physically and mentally exhausted.

That  when I wake up in the morning and dress myself I don't think 'I like this dress, I will wear it. I think 'Will this dress divert attention away from me. Will this make people hate me, will this make people judge me? What if there is somebody else wearing this dress and they think I am coping them? Does this dress make me look fat what if someone notices that this dress makes me look fat? " 

That mind is always on high alert. That there is always a siren in my mind going "careful, careful, CAREFUL" and I can't turn it off ( some days I can minimise it but I can't turn it off, it's always there trying to ruin my day)

(I could go into much more detail but I can't be bothered)

like, c'mon... reallyyyyy? Are you really jealous of that?

 If your so jealous, lets trade places. Walk a mile in my shoes, feel the emotions I feel and you'll soon realise just how fucking exhausting it is.

 I wanted to them. I wanted to sit in the exam room for two-three hours writing endlessly about the  compositional features and the themes and values portrayed throughout our assigned texts. I wanted to stress and cram a lot of studying in the night before like everyone else.

But I couldn't.
and I don't need to explain.

And I'm not saying pitty me, glahhh, life is so hard, I'm saying, Have a bit of understanding.
The mis-education and lack of understanding pisses me off. I don't choose to be like this and there are many people in this world who are like me who do not choose to be like this. Nobody ever chooses to have mental health issues.  The reality is  I have to try and be brave every single day. I have to take caution with everything I do because I am always on the brick of a panic attack and a bit of understanding goes a long way instead of stupid, useless comments about how "amazing" I must of felt to not be able to do my exams.