I like people.

The other day I kicked social anxiety in the butt. I did something that I would not have done throughout the year.

I socialised.

With a real person, in a real café whilst eating real food.

We went to Chi Chi's, which is an adorable quiet Chinese-style cafe and my favourite place on earth ,and we had lunch. The bubble tea there is amazing and I highly recommended (Blueberry green tea with the mango balls is heaven in your mouth!!) . Two of her friends’ unexpectedly came, and although I felt anxious I was OK. We stayed for hours and hours talking about life and laughing and  having fun and I really enjoyed myself. 

Friend K (who is who we are going to call her because I hate using names) is very good at keeping the attention off me and talking nonstop . 

Whitch is great because all my friends know I am pretty much a bystander in the sense of conversations, I don't join in much unless I have something to say and sometimes I don't know how to and it can be terrifying.  but Friend K kept  occasionally asking  "what are your thoughts, Jazz?" and "Has this ever happened to you, Jazz". 

Simple phrases like that just make me so much better when I am having difficulty building up courage to join into a conversation and makes me feel  included. 

I even did this amazing thing where I WALKED THROUGH THE MALL WITHOUT FREAKING OUT.

Which is quite a contrast to when Friend J took me into the mall three weeks before exam season  and I ended up in tears, shaking hysterically, and unable to speak. (And apologising profoundly when my voice came back) 

Friend K  is the same person who I wrote Letter to a New Friend to earlier this year, and I'm still amazed that she still considers me her friend despite me going completely off the radar and not speaking a single word to anyone for months. (tbr, I'm surprised anyone still considers me their friend).  We had literature together and survived with a difficult teacher and an extremely large class load. Whilst in class I always felt comfortable around her and I always wanted to sit next to her. Unlike the rest of the people we sat with in class, she never turned around and rudely asked “why are you so quiet?!” or "why aren't you speaking?"  or judged me for being an utter anxious mess. 
She is a really good person and a really good friend. 

~_~_~_~_~_~_~

I like being with people. 
I love talking to people. I love hanging around with people in small, quiet environments and I really enjoy other peoples company. 

It's just when it starts to get loud and crowded, I start to become really anxious and that's when I start to have problems and I want to escape.

and it's not the sort of 'I want to be in bed right now with my cat' wanting to escape but it's the 'I feel excluded and trapped and I fear that being here for five more minutes will cause me to panic' wanting to escape.

I (really,really,really,really) enjoy my alone time but when 'alone time' starts becoming 'all the time time' and you seriously start to question if you are going to die alone with heaps of cats and if that's really a life worth living. (I mean, if they are fat, and cuddly, and love me than sure)

As an introvert, I naturally 'rechange my batteries' from alone time. From going on a large walk or sitting beside a river-- from being ALONE, doing nothing and thinking about nothing.

but what do I re-change from if I'm always doing my introverting activities?  

.... you get it? 

I. Love. People 

and sometimes I love doing things with people. 

Now that I know my closest friends who I depended on a lot this year are leaving for better opportunities (in which I wish them both the best of luck and pure happiness because they both deserve it) I know that next year I am going to find it hard. I am going to struggle adapting to the fact that I won't be able to see them as often as I did.

But that's OK.

I know that I am never going to not be friends with them. Just because I won't be seeing them as often as I did at school doesn't mean I won't still be friends with them. The power of social media is phenomenal. 

Some friendships don't have an expiry date. Some friendships even boomerang back. 
but

Painfully I know that friendships end and I know that they grow apart and I know from experience just how painful that can be.

And if that happens that’s OK. 

That's life.
I'm not friends with my primary school friends despite fantasising that we will be friends forever. 
and I'm not even friends with some of my High school friends despite forcing them to sign a contract. Some friendships don't last forever but memories stay and those are what you hold onto when things get a little hard.

You hold onto the moments that made you feel special and loved because those are what matter. 

(but I really don't see myself NOT being friends with these two people. I can't not be. I like them too much.哈哈哈哈 ) 

It terrifies  me knowing that I will be starting the school year all by myself.
but 

At least with friend K I won't totally be alone at school next year.

I'll be OK

and everything is going to be fine.

Even if I have to do the dreaded task of making new friends, which isn't easy but I will do it if I have too because I really DO like spending time with people. 

I just hope that next year  I can continue to kick anxiety in the butt. 



~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

"Friends aren't like a house, you don't lease them. You don't have a lease on me that only last one year that you have to renew. I'm not going to turn around and say: ''Oh!, sorry, your lease has run out.. so, goodbye, it was fun while it lasted". You are stuck with me until we drift apart.  "

-Friend K.