A post written in July.

I wrote this post back in July. I remember it was one of the first times I had to sit outside my English communications classroom to do my work because being in that classroom made me enter into panic mode. 

I remember having to do my work but being unable to concentrate because there was too many things going on inside my head. I remember feeling so frustrated because I couldn’t concentrate and becoming agitated because I had to do this assignment, (because I'm such a god damm perfectionist!) . I was scared that my teacher was going to get mad at me for not doing anything and thinking I was being "lazy" or "procrastinating" and I was scared that the people in my comms class would tell the whole school I was "lazy" and "weird" , and "stupid". 

I was really stressed out. 

I remember crying.

There were light tears whilst writing this but I was having a "HAVE TO GET THIS ALL OUT OF ME" moments. 

I just didn't understand what was going on inside my head (I kinda still don't understand.... does anyone?) but how I was feeling woudn't go away. It just seemed to get worse and worse for months.

But nerveless, I like it. I really, really like it and it is worth publishing.  I guess it just proves just how strong I am.

So I'm gonna' post it. I believe that I could of written more but it's a miracle I got that down concentrating how crap I was feeling. 

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

Dear Mind.

I can normally function with you hovering over me. Sometimes  a day or two will pass, I'll eat some chocolate and I'll be fine.

But lately you have been being a real bitch.

You won't shut up, which is why you have driven me  to sit outside my English classroom, sitting with a tablet rested on my lap and my English binder by my side feeling terrified.

You yell at me.  Your words screaming in me ear and  even underneath pillows.  you are like a tiny devil attacking my brain with your sharp swords and leaving me severely bruised and broken.

Is that your goal?

To break me?

You make tears stream down my eyes

and make me feel the pain all throughout my body.

I can't control you, mind. You are uncontrollable. The dark cloud that hangs over my head even on the days that seen sunny.

Why won't you leave me alone?

 Give me a chance to me normal, even if it is for just a moment. Please let me speak without thinking about it. Please let me walk the hallways without thinking about who will be there and what they will say, please let me walk out of my house without instantly feeling regret

And please, dear God, just please  let me sleep of a night.

Fear is the emotion you deliver the most, followed by regret, followed by panic, with nothingness following suit.   An unwanted ribboned package that seems to get bigger and bigger every single day. Nothing seems to be OK, but being OK is an illusion you make me fake every day.

You remind me of all the negatives,

You tell me I am nothing but an insignificant, worthless piece of nothing.

You tell me that everyone around me is better than what I am

'What is the  point' you say.

'you can't do anything right, anyway'.

So I lay here, feeling completely alone and defeated in a colourless world.

And on those days that are so grim, where darkness takes over, you scream that everything will be better if I just wasn't here.

and I believe you, mind, I believe you.

Dear mind,

Stop thinking for a minute

.Please give me a minute to breath .

To gather my thoughts

please.

Dear mind, you have won.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

My dicky-ass mind is still there but he isn't as prominent. Instead of yelling he whispers and some days I can't hear his  whispers over the positivity and the abundance amount of  cat cuddling. 

Although the whispers are his way of giving me a holiday, I am awaiting in pain for him to come back. 

because I know he will. 

He always does. 

But when he does, I'll be ready. 

(look at me personifying my disorder. How literate of me! x'D ) 

I am the one winning now