Bridges

Right now I'm at the gorge I'm looking around and just admiring the beauty of it all.
It's so peaceful here and it's close to my school, which is perfect for a getaway without really getting away. I have spent so many hours here by myself being an introvert and finding quiet, abandoned spots in amongst bushes to just sit and think.

For those who don't know. There is a giant bridge called the Alexandra Suspension bridge that connects one side of the gorge to the over.

Despite standing strong since 1904 with no casualties, My Nan, who passed away in 2013, was too scared to cross this bridge.

She would tell my family how she didn't even want us crossing it because it was "unsafe". It would gently rock when you walked on it, so to her the possibility of the whole bridge coming of the hinges and collapsing into the water was high. No one in my family knows where she got this idea from and we all believed she was irrational but to her walking on that bridge meant certain death and nothing was going to make her walk across it.

During our visits here, my two younger brothers and I would constantly reassure her in a desperate attempt to gain permission to cross the bridge and go adventuring over the other side.


"But Nan, look! That man is crossing it and it hasn't fallen!"
"My friend walked across it the other day, and he was safe"
"Pleaseeeeee Nan"

And on some rare occasions we even tried bribery

"I'll clean my room!"
"I'll vacuum your living room"
"I'll be good for the rest of my life!!!"


But regardless of all our moaning and pleading, her thoughts were concreted.
She believed with all her heart that the bridge was going to fall and there was no changing her mind. She was scared she was going to lose us if she let us travel over the bridge and that her life would be in danger if she crossed it herself. In a way, she was protecting us and herself  from the possibility of a devastating death.

But it was because of this fear that she never crossed that bridge.
For her whole life she let this fear consume her and take away the opportunity to see so much beauty.
She didn't even get to see the other side.
She didn't get too see the rose bushes, she didn't get to walk the peaceful walking tracks, she didn't get to see so much greenery, she didn't get to see the beautiful creak, she didn't get to see the kookaburras high up in the trees or the occasional wallby that jumps out.
She didn't get see how truly beautiful it is over here.

Which is really a shame because she would of defiantly brought us ice cream at the cafe, and indulged in some type of cake for herself.

She let a fear allow her to miss out on so many great things and now that I think about it in depth, I am deciding now that I'm not going to let a fear keep me from seeing the beauty.


I have a fear of people. A significant fear that highly impacts how I function on a daily basis. I avoid large crowds. I avoid socialisation. I avoid conversation. I avoid anything that includes another person whom I am not comfortable with.

And because of that
I avoid people like the plague.
I do all this because I am scared my bridge will come crashing down.

But what if I  keep  letting my fear control me and stop me me from meeting people who could potentially change my life?
Future best friends?
Partners
People who could donate a lung to me if I'm dying (bit extreme, bit still...)
(etc)

My life would be one giant black blob of lonliness and misery.

There are so many good people out there who I am not letting into my life because I am scared of them.
And I can't do that anymore.

also


I'm not going to let this fear stop me from achieving my dreams. I am going to travel. I am going to stand in front of crowds. I am going to teach internationally. I am going to do so many great things.

I can’t be like my Nan. I can’t let a fear control me. I can't let it stop me from doing great things and experiencing the beauty of life.

It just woudn't be fair.

Even if it sucks now I know for a fact that it won't suck forever. One day I won't be scared. One day I will be ready to cross my bridge and I won't be scared to do day to day things that "normal" people can do with ease.

I'll be brave and I'll cross my bridge.
I cross the Alexandra Suspension bridge with confidence and it hasn't come tumbling down yet.

Sometimes I stop half way, place my hands onto the edge and I look down at the river crashing underneath me and a thought comes into my mind;

There is a 99.9999% chance this could come off the hinges and come crashing down with me standing right here. but there is also a near 100% chance that I will be able to calmly walk over to the other side and enjoy finding a quiet place to sit down and read my book.

Whatever the numbers are, it is a risk I am always willing to take.

The other side is just too god damm pretty.
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