I grew up in an environment that is surrounded by extroverts and I have heard all the comments from people who do not understand me;
"No, you can't leave yet, you just got here!"
"You just need to make more friends"
"You will have more fun if you go outside and socialize with people”
"You need to put the book away and talk to people"
At my Grade 10 leavers' dinner after party (where I sat on a springy couch eating somebody's large bucket of M&M’s) I told my friend that I wanted to go home. It was only ten minutes into the impromptu teenage party, but I had had enough. Not to mention I had already spent hours with these people reminiscing our high school years in an extremely high-energized environment. When I arrived in my classmate’s backyard, I felt emotionally drained; all I wanted to do was go home, take my makeup off and slip underneath my warm blankets, close my eyes and fall asleep.
I reported to one of my closets friends that I wanted to go home because I felt drained. I think my exact words were; “I feel empty. I don’t like it here”. To comfort me, she sympathetically patted me on the shoulder, smiled, looked me right in the eye and said, " You have to train yourself to enjoy being social because this is what our society does. We cannot be in our rooms all day reading, that isn't the right thing to do."
And I believed her.
I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be "society".
I stayed at that party feeling awkward, tired, and out of place, until my Mum picked me up at 1AM.
And because I felt emotionally drained I hated second of it (expect the large bucket of M&Ms that seemed to disappear very quickly)
Looking back, I understand that what my friend said was out of love but I think it is worst advice I have ever received.
Because;
1) There are other ways to have fun other than attending a backyard party awkwardly thrown at the last minute by your classmate.
2) I do not need to "train" myself to enjoy something I hate, especially when my energy levels are down
3) There is no 'right or wrong' way to negotiate life .
4) “Society” is a generalized term. There are people whom despise attending social gatherings just like I do.
5) Nobody is going to stop me from sitting in my room all day reading.
My friend and I did not understand why I felt so emotionally drained. For the remaining of the night I put on a façade because I believed I was not allowed to feel "empty" around people. I thought I had to be a loud, spontaneous social person in order to feel a sense of belonging.
Oh, how I was so wrong!
But I never understood that my personality was a good thing. I grew up feeling confused about why I couldn't bring myself to feel energized whilst socializing with people.My parents grew up in extroverted households so when I was screaming ''leave me alone'' after a hard day of socializing at school, they were doing the complete opposite by inviting their friends and their friend’s children over to "comfort me' .They believed surrounding me with people would make me feel happier but their plans would always backlash.
What they did not understand is that I needed time to recharge by myself.
I have always been like this. My parents never understood why I would isolate myself in my room for an hour after school, or why I only had a few best-friends throughout my life.
“We should have socialized you more as a child!" they used to cry when they learnt how many people I consider friends.
They do not realize that socializing me as a child would not change who I am today. On 10:15 AM, January 8th 1999 an introvert came into the world she has always been an introvert (and a huge fan of referencing herself in third person)
I will still be the same person if I had a lot of play-dates or attended a lot of children's birthday parties as a child. Plus I grew up with three brothers, one sister, and heaps of pets (although I swear some days the pets are better than the siblings); I was always socializing in some way or another, even if I would retreat to my own little world in the corner of my backyard or in my room.
It is due to the misunderstanding of introverts that I spent majority of my school life hating myself. I thought there was only one type of person to be; an extrovert. And those who were not extroverts were "different" and "bad”. That's not the case, that ideology was abolished with education. (Numerous Google searches and asking/nagging friends who take physiology)
I never understood what an 'introvert' was until earlier this year; when I read a book and had one of those 'this is me!' moments, I was so fascinated that I took to Google and started to read many articles and blog posts about introverts like me.
Once I started to understand who I was, I felt a sense of self-acceptance. I bright light illuminated on top of my head and I whispered;
"This is me, this is who I am, and I am COMPLETLY NORMAL"
The way I explain it is that I am like an IPhone, my battery life lasts for a few hours before I need to be plugged in and recharged. The battery life on an IPhone is a lot like an introverts, it quickly lowers with the more time spent outside and it raises when it is at home 'plugged in' .
I am an introvert; social gatherings do not excite me. I tend to avoid sport events, school assemblies, and large social gathering like the black plague. I crave meaningful one-on-one conversations about things that matter, I believe that sitting in silence is not awkward but magical, I have a mind that will never switch off and it if filled with many words I will not speak unless I have a reason too, I prefer to have a lot of company in short dosages, and my words sound better coming from my hands than my mouth.
There is nothing wrong with that. I am normal.
I love people! I am not an anti-social dinosaur who hates socializing. I just don't like people all day. I like solace and silence. I prefer to socialize in small dosages and in quite places. I can socialize and I love socializing but everything I do my energy levels go down and I need to be by self to BREATH and there is nothing wrong with that. Absolutely nothing at all.
Being the type of person I am is good.
I had to subvert my thinking of hating myself because I was not an extrovert. I did that by loving myself. I have many traits that are specifically introverted traits that make me amazing.
1) I am determined.
If I say I am going to do something, chances are I am going to do it. If I say I am going to be the first person in my family to finish college and be eligible for university, then I will be the first to finish college and be eligible for university. I will not stop at anything to achieve my goals and dreams.
2) I am a good listener
I am the person you go to when you are hurting or afraid. I am somebody who can keep secrets, and my ears are always open to listen.
If you want advice, I’ll give it. If you want a hug, I’ll give it, if you just want somebody to listen I will go “Katniss like” and volunteer .
3) I am loyal
I make a good friend. I will buy cake when it's your birthday and I'll know it is your birthday without checking Facebook. I will remember all the "little" things about you like your favorite flower, your favorite song, or simply what makes you smile on a gloomy Monday morning.
4) I am creative
People only need to step into my bedroom to know that I am the creative type. I am blessed with the ability to be able to turn a page into a beautiful piece of art, weather that is with writing or some form of paint. My imagination is endless, and I am proud that I have an imagination that hasn’t been crushed with rules and restrictions.
(Being creative makes learning a new language very easily. I can see that 鸟 looks like a bird so it must be the character for 'bird', I can see that 吃 looks like somebody eating so it must be the character for 'eat' , and 女 looks like a women cradling a baby so it must be the character for 'Female')
5) I am a good observer
From my years of sitting back and watching people talk, I have learnt that I am good at watching people. I am good at spotting a change in somebody’s behavior especially when people become sad or stressed. I may not say anything unless I feel a need to, but I do notice.
(so much so I think it is my super power)
And, according to my research I am a good public speaker because I am always practicing convocations in my head and I know what I am saying.
But if I am forced to think on the spot, I rapidly die inside.
Don't ever make me say something without thinking... I am warning you!
I love people. I love socializing. I am not an anti-social dinosaur, the only time you will hear me roar is in writing. I'm an introvert and I love that about me because I wouldn't want to be anybody else. I crave space, it charges my batteries and helps me breath and I hope more people would understand that about me because I am absolutely normal and I have many traits that make me amazing. I do not need to “train” myself in order to adapt to a social setting when my batteries are dead and I wish more people would understand that.
In the words of one of my favorite early YouTubers, Charlie Mcdonnell:
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