I survived NOT having a panic attack today

In the words of a sensational YouTuber, an outstanding blogger, and a best-selling author, Zoe Sugg says that; "Sometimes you have to face up to your fears to realise that they aren't actually real". That's exactly what I did today.  Today I challenged a "fear" and I discovered that it was only irrational.

If you have read my post that I posted a few weeks ago titled;  I Survived A Panic Attack Today.   you would know that two weeks ago I boarded the 2 o'clock bus wanting to go home. If you read my post  you'd know that I sat at the back of the bus and patiently waited as people started to embark and take their seats within vacant seats on the bus. 
If you read  I Survived A Panic Attack Today.   You would know that I saw somebody who I didn't want to see. Somebody who used to bully me ruthlessly throughout High school: somebody who made me feel horrible feelings I didn't want to feel and that I should have never felt. You'd know that as soon as I saw him got on the bus I was reminded of all the horrendous acts of hatred he directed towards me. You'd know that I felt scared and that I felt trapped.  I was scared he'd do something to make me feel those emotions again and that fact was the only thing I could think about as he walked up the isle and sat two seats behind me.  

I went into panic mode. 
Like, full on; Suffocating; unbelievably shaking; feeling like I was about to die;  making a fool of myself; sitting at the front of the bus whilst everybody watched me dying inside. It was embarrassing and it was humiliating. I've suffered from panic attacks for a couple of years and it got significantly worse last year.  I have always managed to confine them to safety  away from people in the school bathroom or in my own bedroom. This was the first time I had a major panic attack in front of people and I felt so humiliated that I  spent two weeks cringing with fear every time I thought about  getting back in that bus. I kept having reoccurring "what if" thoughts like: 'what if he gets back on' and 'what if I panic again' 
BUT: GUESS WHO SCREWED THEIR COURAGE IN THE STICKING PLACE (alright.. now I'm quoting Lady Macbeth) and just got back on that bus?
Go on, Guess.... 
ME!!
I did. 
And I was fine. 
I was  fine when he got on the bus and I was fine when he looked straight at me. 
I didn't feel anything. 
I didn't feel scared,
I didn't feel trapped, 
But most importantly: 
I didn't feel like my cheeks were being  poked with razor sharp needles, I didn't feel my hands start becoming clumpy and sweaty like I was only going up on a rocky rollercoaster,  I didn't feel my legs unbelievably tremble like I was standing on jelly,  I didn't feel my breathing become rapid like I was hyperventilating, I didn't feel my chest and throat become tighter like someone was squeezing them and making it their objective to slowly get to a point where I can no longer breath, I didn't feel my heartbeat feel like it was beating out of my chest at 10000 times a minute. 
I didn't feel anything. 
I was fine. 

This might not read as much of an accomplishment but to me this is huge. This is a huge accomplishment that means that I don't feel scared of the people who used to bully me. 
Their constant harassment got me to a point where I was scared of them. I was scared to walk past them in hallways, I was scared to be near them in class, and I was scared to see them in public all because I had a giant grey cloud hovering over me telling me that their actions wouldn't stop; that they would continue to bully me. I was scared of them. All of them. 
But I'm not anymore. 
I feel like I could punch them in the face if they did something to me.  
I feel brave and I feel more confident. I feel like I can finally start all over, which is the only thing I want. I want to be able to put the past behind me and move on.  I feel like I am finally getting there and that's a huge achievement. 

I'm happy. 


Sometimes we have to acknowledge our "fears", accept them, and DO IT ANYWAY. We have to face them to make ourselves realise  that we are stronger than what we think we are, and that's what I did today. I challenged myself to get back on that bus and I completed that challenge. I took a deep breath, used all the courage I had, and  I DID IT.  I discovered that the thing I was fearing was irrational. It wasn't real, it was only the negative side of my brain bringing me down. And I can't let the negative side of my brain win. 
I let it win in the past and I promised myself I'll never let it win again. 

I'm better than him anyway; when the bus got halfway home, the bus driver had to pull over, get out his seat, walk up the aisle to tell him and his friends to "settle down or start walking" after they were disturbing the whole bus with their rambunctious, ludicrous behaviour, which didn't surprise me at all. 

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This post was written by an incredibly sick person, you might have been able to tell by the careless grammar and horrific sentence structure.  I've been in bed all day* drinking water and catching up on The Fosters  and The Big Bang Theory.  I was unable to get a good nights sleep and I'm so tired. And Sick. and Exhausted. And Weak, And Hungry, And  just awful. 
I HATE BEING SICK! 
Hopefully, it's a one-day thing and I'll feel better tomorrow. 
Hopefully.

This is my body's way of rewarding my with overcoming challenges; With germs and sickness!
Thanks, but I'd rather chocolate mud cake!!!!

POSITIVE: 
I don't think you can see a positive with being sick. 

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*I survived NOT having a panic attack yesterday. :)