25/5/2019

The Honey Moon phace 

Lenore E. Walker was an american psychologist who looked  first coined  the term 'circle of abuse'.
The circle of abuse  was a term defined in 1979 describing patterns in behaviour by perpetrators of abuse. There is 3 or 4 different stages

I am not going to get into them
I am just going to tell you how one of the stages suck
Sucks so much.

It is the "honeymoon phace" 

Lenore E. Walker defines it as being  "Characterised by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do their best to change." 

I define it as the part where it is OK for a little while.

 The time where
My Dad swears he is going to get better. He says he will go to the doctor. He says he will stop being mean and that he will be nice. He swears that he will stop using drugs. He promises to stop yelling. He promises to stop behaving the way he does.

But he doesn't

He does chores around the house.
"I DID THE DISHES."
"I VACUUMED!", he prides.
He starts to fix everything around the house, little by little.

He actually talks to us. In a normal way. Not in a demanding or dismissing way. It is nice and meaningful conversations and a lot of complimenting.
"Your makeup looks nice, Jazz"  
"You look beautiful, Linda" (Linda is my Mum) 
He might take us out for dinner. He buys stuff for mum: chocolates, flowers, perfume. He buys new furniture : couches and chairs, mostly.

It is a time of happiness.
Of calmness
of CLARITY

We fall for this.
We all do.
A light bulb goes off inside our minds that goes: "DAD IS HAPPY!" ,"EVERYTHING IS GETTING BETTER!", "MY PARENTS ARE HAPPPYYYYYYY!"

but it is only a phace.
And endless phace
The happy time where everything is OK never  lasts

and it sucks ass.
It sucks ass because EVERY SINGLE TIME I do fall for it. EVERY SINGLE time my mind believes that my father IS better: that everything is FINE with my family. That he will stop being such as asshole towards my mum and that THIS TIME around he truly WILL stop and that everything will get better.
I fill up with so much hope and excitement for 'new beginnings'
But the circle will start all over again.

The yelling: the drug abuse: the abuse and controlling behaviour  towards my mother... EVERYTHING
. It will all start back up again and the hope and excitement I once had just crumbles into a million little pieces right in front of me. 

To say that I have no hope of my father "getting better" is inaccurate. To say that  I KNOW this cycle exists within my home is  more accurate.  I see it.

Andddddd, If I haven't already said it: It sucks.

My Mum told me yesterday that she does not feel safe at him.
To have my OWN mother tell ME that SHE does not feel SAFE at home: at home with my father is.... it's scary. It is really, really scary.
and painfully eye-opening.
People should feel  safe in their own home, especially a home they build from the ground up.


My family life just kinda feels like I am walking in a volcano.