10/5/2019

My Mum is in a hoody and a jacket sitting at the end of her bed motionless  and is staring at the wall.
I do not know what she is thinking.
I just hate this image of her.
 I hate seeing her so empty.
I know
I know she feels hopeless. I know she feels trapped.
and I just do not know what to do about it.


My Dad was supposed to go to the doctors again today. Mum was really hopeful that he would go. Mum was really, really hopeful that he would start to get better.
Mum was really, really, really hopeful that all this.... -I am calling it abuse because that is exactly what it is - would finally stop.
I do not know what happened, I do not know if he went or not.
but
All I know that when I came home from school my Dad was fast asleep on the chair and my Mum had been crying and she did not want to talk.
And I can tell that whilst I was at school my Dad must have called her every word under the rainbow and made her feel like crap again.

Because
That
Is
What
He
Does

An hour ago  Dad just stormed into her bedroom. He throw open the door
"What is for Tea", he yelled at her.
My mother did not respond.
He went deeper into the room and closer to my Mum, "Huh. What is for tea?" he yelled louder at her, right in her face.
My Mum still did not say anything she was silent against my father's screams.
Probably too scared to say anything.
I saw, from the corner of my eye  her fall down onto her side of the bed
He collected his cigarettes and he left her alone on the edge of tears
scared

I do everything
I get out of the way. I clean. I try and cook dinner. I stay at school for as long as I can.
but but half the time I am too scared to do anything else.
Like stop IT from happening


Is it pathetic that I am actually scared of my Father?

I am not the only one: I know that my little brother is too.
My little brother gets shit from my Dad, too.
Dad does not give shit to me or my older brother or my other younger brother. It is Mitchell. (the youngest) and nobody acknowledges  it.
My brother was sick the other day. He woke up and felt like he was going to throw up but was anxious because he KNEW Dad was in a mood.
But he did not want to go to school and throw up.
His bedroom door doesn't close probley (we have sliding doors and the hinge is broken so it just STAYS open, which he hates but nobody will fix it) so he did not want to stay home and be a direct target for my Dad
So, I told him he could "hide out'' in my room.
And that is what he did.
And it made him feel better because his anxiety was revealed and he felt SAFE

I told my Mum that he was scared of Dad, hoping THAT would highlight the issue going on and HOW WE were feeling.

AND BOTH OF US GOT LAUGHED AT.
By both Dad and Mum.
So that is great.
I was making my brother feel better by allowing him in my room whilst he was SICK  and ANXIOUS, and we were ridiculed for 1) "lying" and 2) trying to "trick" my Dad

So.
and yet, here I am,
Walking on egg shells and constantly- CONSTANTLY feeling guilty  for  just being under the same roof.
I am sick of my father being a dick towards my mother.

Gosh, tell me what to do.