9/6/2017

I had a bit of a 'victory moment' today.

I did a goal

A goal that I have been desperately trying my hardest to do since the first month of school but every single week I have failed.
EXCEPT THIS WEEK.

I had a week where I attended ALL my classes. 

A solid week where I did not let fear ruin my chance of leaning. A solid week where my passion for learning shone through all the  fears inside my mind.

..
My anxiety really challenges me to regally attend class. I love school for the sole purpose of learning. I'm one of those cheesy, old fashioned people who believes knowledge is power and I value my education. (I know, #nerd) but it is hard to get myself into class.
I don't think many people understand how hard it is to regularly attend class when you are struggling with a mental illness.
It is extremely difficult.
when your mind is filled with one hundred terrible things that could go wrong and it's in a pit of negative thinking, it can be really hard to fight.
For me, (and I know it's different for everyone)  It's pretty much like this;
What if I have a full blown panic attack? . what if I can't leave? what if someone does something bad to me?  what if I do something stupid? what if my class mates actually hate me? They all hate me what if someone bullies me?
My mind is convinced I will have  a panic attack.That I can't leave. That someone will do something bad to me. That everyone hates me. That someone will bully me.
It's even harder when I am faced with a person from my past because I remember bad memories associated with that person and I find it really hard to be in the moment and not trapped in the past. , and the past is a really sucky place to be because I don't like being reminded of the feelings I felt when bad things happened (I'm trying to be as vague as possible and I'm not even entirely sure if that makes any sense)

It's hard to even build up enough bravery to walk into my classroom because my mind rationalises all these thoughts and I'm in high alert mode. And when I'm in high alert mode my whole world spins and turns upside down and it is really hard to cope with. There is a high chance of a panic attack AND I WANT TO AVOID THAT at all costs... you see?

Plus, you may as well give me a crown and perform a coronation because I am the queen of avoiding everything I think is scary.  

but
I'm finally ready to challenge that tiny, sucky voice inside my head.

I had a goal to go a solid week attending my classes and  TODAY I DID IT.
and I'm proud of myself. I actually feel amazing and like I am concur anything.  If I can do this I can do anything!!


Do you know how I am going to celebrate. ?

By laying in bed watching Degrassi  because   I know if I hold on  I can make it through. (song title pun NOT INTENDED... okay, maybe it was. I'm laughing at my pun-nniess now . haha. Lol, I'm  wonderful writer. )