I had a meltdown and cried every day this week except for Thursday.
And what made Thursday different was I spent it with my best friend.
And all the good feels were felt. Honestly, it was the first time in a very long time where I felt generally happy because I was with someone who I really adore spending time with and who I love and appreciate with all my heart
You know, I wouldn't mind the sadness so much if it didn't seem like it would last forever. If it didn't constantly feel as though I was being dragged down and if it didn't seem as though I am sinking deeper and deeper into this sucky void of "nothing-ness" .
I want to feel something other than these intense feelings of loneliness, fear, guilt, and empty-ness. I want to be able to feel because it feels as though the soul inside of me is made out of steel.
*cue the Melina Marchetta poem in The Piper's Son I love with all my heat*
Play me something that makes me feel;
This soul inside me is made of steel.
Brain is breathing, but heart’s not beating
And, babe, I need you to make things real.
Walk inside me without silence,
Kill the past and change the tense.
Empty gnawing and the ache is soaring;
Take me places that make more sense.
(#relatable. With all serious-ness tho, Melina Marchetta is an amazing author that I have fallen in love with since grade nine and my study of Looking for Alibrandi. )
My Mum told me I was being too soft and s that I just needed to "suck it up", when I came home crying hysterically and admitting that I felt miserable.
*note to self: need to become better at coming home and pretending that I haven't spent the whole day feeling insignificant and on the verge of tears.
Maybe she's right tho... maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.
I wish I could be able to the things that people without social anxiety can do; the "normal" things.
Like, for example; making friends.
I know that if I made friends I won't feel as alone and maybe I'll be a tinier bit happier.
But I can't.
It's really hard.
Sometimes, It takes a lot of mental preparation to initiate a conversation with those outside my comfort zone because I am terrified of being judged or doing something stupid.
My anxiety keeps me back from doing simple communication tasks. Mutisim entraps me and my voice is paralysed; fear takes over and I'm left without the ability to communicate efficiently.
I'm more-or-less trapped on the dangerous "these people hate me, they are going to hurt me" mindset and I'm working on getting myself out of that mindset, but when your mind has been concreted in something for so long, it takes a lot of work to get it out.
... you get me..??
One of the more significant reasons why I hate school is because I am surrounded by people all the time but I lack a sense of belonging. I don't have any friends there. I feel isolated and alone.
I'm just.... there.
I feel like I am invisible and that I don't matter. I'm a walking ghost that nobody ever acknowledges.My lunch times are spent all by myself wondering why everyone hates me.
and trust me, I am trying to be happy
I am trying so hard.
So. so. so. so hard
but some days it feels I utterly hopeless.
especially when "trying" is all I can do.
I try and remind myself that I'm not alone and that I have people who care about me but it is difficult when your mind is convinced that you are alone.
If there was a switch inside my mind that could safely turn off all these feelings I wouldn't hesitate to switch it.I would not hesitate to turn all these emotions off and make life a bit easier so I can function.
but I don't know how and I don't even know if I can anymore.
Because really I am a giant lump of dirt and I can't do anything right.
This icky feeling sucks.
Am I always going to feel like this?
One of the things that really helps me is my dog.
My gorgeous doggo Charlie. Who is currently sitting on my bed chewing up one of my sister's old elephant teddy bears whom we named Floppy (he went to bite Bee-Ping and I threatened to disown him).
On days where I have no energy he is the one that gets me outside. He is the one that hugs me when emotions are too much.
I know that if he could speak he would say 'your not as worthless as what you think you are, Jazz'.
Yesterday I walked out to Low Head (partly because I didn't want to be home with my family) and I just sat on the beach for hours thinking about life and using him as a therapist.
There is something about the abandoned beach , the calming sound of the waves crashing into the sand, and Charlie running hectically all over the shore; diving into the waves and swimming against the currents, that just settles me. Just for a while, it just makes me travel into a different world where I feel okay
I should really go to the beach more often
(also, can we just acknowledge that Charlie currently has a cold and he is sitting on my bed sneezing and it is utterly adorable, and also can we just acknowledgethat I taught him to sit in Chinese. 我的只狗会坐.)
I don't want to sound biast but my doggo dug a hole and it is the best hole I have ever seen in my whole entire life.
If you look very,very, very closely you will see a tiny black speck. That is my doggo JUST after I said 'lets go home'. I swear sometimes he is a mini-child but his child-like personality makes me feel alive.
I mean, you just HAVE to admire the utter adorable-ness of him. He loves the water so much.
He ran into the water, ran out all wet and jumped on me. This is him running at full speed =before he full on pounced on me.
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