2/4/2017

~.~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~
I found this hastily written in my school notebook. I had written in during one of my classes on a Thursday morning because I was in a very panicky mode.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~__~_~

11:30. Thursday.

Class: intro

I have no idea why I'm anxious right now.
I have no idea why my body is in high alert; why I'm currently anticipating danger; why my world is speeding up.

My whole body is shaking. First it was my legs than my arms. I struggle to hold my pen. I feel paralyzed.

I can't focus on my work. It's something to do with psychology. Something about babies. Something to do with clowns. I really have no idea now.

but I know not being able to focus is going to have major consequences.
What if I need this information? What if this is on a test? What if I get quizzed on this before I leave?
what if..... what if....what if ...

My stomach is hurting. It's becoming tighter and tighter and I have no idea why. 

And I don't know why I feel extremly dizzy and faint.
I don't know why my heartbeat is beating faster either. I can feel it beating a thousand times a minute; pounding dangerously out of my body.

I try breathing. I know that if I focus on my breathing things will become a bit easier.
In. Hold. Out. 
In. Hold. Out.
Slowly.
In. Hold. Out.
In. Hold. Out. 

But nothing is improving.

I try fiddling. Wrapping my coil bracelet endlessly around my fingers. I have to keep my hands busy. I don't want to start picking.

I try doodling. Squares. Triangles. Patterns, ugly faces. Everything and anything. Blue ink all over the edges of my worksheet. My teachers don't need to know I'm an art student to know I'm a hopeless doodler.

My headphones in my ears. Josh Ramsay screaming in my ear.
He normally sings me to a calm state (THE POWER OF MTRENCH)
but not right now
Right now I'm the opposite of calm.

I try counting.

One....Two,,,. Three,,,. Four,,,. Five.,,, Six.,,, Seven,,,. Eight,,,,. Nine,,,,. Ten,,,,

and in Chinese
Yī,.. Èr,... Sān ..., Sì.. ,Wǔ..., Liu,.... Qī,...Bā,...Ji,... Shi...

Again

Slowly

One.......Two,,,..... Three,.....,,. Four,,....,. Five.....,,, Six.,,...., Seven,,.....,. Eight,.....,,,. Nine,,,....,. Ten,,....,

And in Chinese, mentally imaginating the characters that go with the numeral.
Yī,..... Èr,........ Sān ......., Sì...... ,Wǔ......, Liu,....... Qī,.......Bā,......Ji,...... Shi......
一, 二 , 三 , 四 , 五 , 六 , 七 , 八 , 九 , 十.

I have no idea why I'm anxious right now. I'm normally triggered by loud classrooms but this classroom is quiet. Students sit engrossed in their laptops, typing away at their assignments. They are silent.
It's unusual.
But I'm anxious. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm freaking out.
and I have no idea why.

and it frustrates me because I never know. I never know why I am anxious. I never know when I am going to be like this. One minute I can be fine and the next I'm struggling to hold onto any sense of reality.

I really shouldn't be in class right now but I'm too scared to move. I'm to scared everyone will watch me as I walk out of class. I'm scared everyone will judge me.
so
I stay seated.

I'm trying everything to be OK right now.
I try writing. ~~