Wednesday and Thursday.

I brought myself a Chinese calligraphy set that inspires mindfulness and includes characters to learn about and practise,  such as: 和 (peace) and  平 (calm) 

Which is perfect because it combines the thing I should be doing more of (mindfulness) with an already existing activity I really enjoy doing (Chinese)

Although I have to put it underneath the Christmas tree and address it from Santa, I still consider it a great purchase on my behalf.  

The reason why I brought it is because I deserve it.
I really do. 

I've been taking so many deep breaths and putting myself in "scary" situations. 

On Wednesday, after three weeks of putting it off and forgetting, I finally built up the courage to take the bus into Launceston and go get a copy of my collage yearbook and return my school textbooks.

And I’m so glad I did.

When I walked out of my school I ran into some of my friends whom I sat in my Literature class with. 

“Jazz!” they yelled enthusiastically,  
I turned around, "Hey!" I replied. 

 I was invited to play Cards against Humanity in City Park whilst eating chocolate and Doritos and laughing hysterically at the sexual innuendos for hours long.  
And, honestly, I had the time of my life!!
It was so great to sit down with a group of people and feel so welcomed and filled with euphoria. 

The thing I was amazed with is I stopped talking to these people in class in term three. Not because I didn't like them but because I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t actually speak to anyone except two of my best friends and my Chinese teacher. Anxiety took hostage of my voice.

I sat in class on a laptop not even acknowledging their existence with my earphones in; my hands and legs shaking, researching "How to tell if people hate you" and "signs people are mad at you" believing the whole world hated me.

but they didn't take my silence as a sign I disliked them or I didn't want to be friends with them. On Tuesday I was embraced with hugs, and chocolate, and love  and I'm so thankful for that.
It's nice to know that I didn't lose friendships because of something I can't control.

 These people LIKE me. They consider me a friend.  Not a close-close friend but a friend. 

Like an actual real friend. 

Take that, anxiety! I DO have friends! 

There were two people who tagged along who were friends of my friends, I didn't know who they were but they talked to me like they had known me for ages.
. And throughout the seven hours I was with them I wasn't thinking about all the things that could go wrong; I wasn't thinking about all the things that had gone wrong in my past; I wasn't stressing about all the horrible things I could say, I wasn't worried about making a fool of myself and everyone remembering; I wasnt thinking about what everything was thinking of me;   I wasn't experiencing panic symptoms. 

 I wasn't freaking out at all, I felt so safe. I was really having fun and enjoying myself. 

I even got a "Jazz, this is so unlike you, you are normally so quiet!" when I just kept talking. 

And on Thursday I met up with one of my friends who live in George Town and we drove out to the beach. It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining onto our bare skin. 

We walked along the beach talking and admiring the gorgeous rocks underneath out feet, and then we raced up the sand dunes

The view was AMAZING on top of the dunes. On one side you could see the ocean leading into nothingness and on the other side you could see a small river flowing through beautiful shrubbery. I felt like I was standing on top of the world.  

 We even found a seahorse on the sandbanks.   I mean, it was dead and obviously had been for a while but IT WAS SO COOL!! . I didn't even know seahorses came to Tasmania. We put him back into the ocean and watched it be swept up in the waves. 

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Not bad for someone who, not that long ago was so terrified of people that she couldn't look in their direction. I had two consecutive days were I socialised with people and  had the time of my life doing so. Two consecutive days were anxiety didn't dominate me.
  I'm so happy for me.

I don't know why, maybe it's because of the recent obsession with Marianas Trench (currently listening to: Haven't Had Enough as I write this) or because my sister comes home tomorrow but I have honestly been feeling amazing and so beyond happy. 

I am hoping that this happiness and positivity continues into 2017. 

WHO WAS THIS PERSON GOING THROUGH A MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND WHERE HAS SHE GONE?!?!
I'd like to know so I can yell at her to not come back!. .. ever.