My Ultimate Goal Right Now.

I remember throughout high school, at the start of every school term my teachers would force us to set goals for the nine-ten weeks of school. It was always a process everyone hated, and every one would cry  "Do we have to do this again,we already did it with Miss J !" because we had to do it in every single lesson.
 We all hated it.
 But we did it.

A lot of kids wrote "My goal is to get an A" or" My goal is to win a ribbon at the swimming carnival".
And some people did complete them.Some people got their A's and their swimming ribbons. And they were happy. I remember once mine was to get a B in English and I ended up getting that B and becoming extremely proud of myself.

I noticed  that my collage teachers don't  force us to set goals. There is no sense of  accomplishment once you know you have achieved something you set your mind to.

So I'm making a goal, and I'm putting it on my blog so it is official.

I have one goal right now.

I want to gain my voice back. 

I want to be able to talk to people in a busy environment. I want to be able to order my own food. I want to be able to say my answers aloud in a classroom. I want to be able to talk to a bunch of friends without going mute.I want to talk without being prompted. I want to be able to talk on the phone. I want to make convocation with people who I'd like to become friends with. I want to ask for a pen from the person sitting across from me,  I want to walk on the same side of the street as someone, I want to be able to ask people for help if I need it. I want to be able to reply to people when they message me on social media and even send a message on social media.

All without feeling scared.

Some tasks are just impossible to complete. Although, I am really, really  good at hiding it: I'm an anxious person.  A million negative voices circulate  in my head
"Just don't speak " they say, "They will hate you" .    

My head is pretty much summed up in this illustration I found from Pintrest

Some times my pulse intensifies,   some times I can feel myself shaking, I can't concentrate. My fingers become really numb and clumpy (like play doe) .Some times I feel stuck, like my feet have been planted into the ground and I can't move.

And sometimes,because of that, I feel trapped, and hopeless, and useless.
 I feel like I am at war with myself because I can't bring myself to talk to people,and I get mad. I get mad because  I feel as though I lack a normal skill every one possesses: communication.

... Do you know how lonely it gets when you can't participate in communication?

That's why I want to gain my voice back. I want to be gain more friends and be more happy with my socialisation

And I know it is going to be hard... I simply can't turn the off anxiety that goes on in the top of my head. (If I could I would every,single. day)
But I'll find a way of completing my ultimate goal. I am going to try my hardest.

Good luck me.


Extra Information:
Know if I start a convocation with you and I feel comfortable. You mean a lot to me and I consider you a friend.