Ok, I may be overreacting.
It is a device that is fitted inside your jaw: on your upper arch frame, that aids to correct the size of your jaw frame. In order to expand your jaw, you have to use a special key to widen the boundary of your jaw.
I was born with a small jaw frame (which I have learnt is quite common!) so my teeth were crammed in my mouth like a pack of sardines. I had teeth sticking out out of nowhere and if it wasn't fixed I would develop problems later on in life. So, to correct my small jaw frame I had to get an expander to stretch the perimeters of my mouth.
I absolutely hated it.
The whole device was uncomfortable and ached , for a while I couldn't eat right nor speak, and worst: I was cursed with a giant gap in between my teeth the size of my thumb.
I spent my whole journey with my expander waiting until the day it would be out of my mouth for good so I wouldn't have to think about it again.
You can see just how much I hated in a post I published in February. Right Here: Why I'm Happy There Is No Gap Between My Teeth I suggest you read it (purely because I can't be bothered re-explaining myself) . Please read it.
To summarise it, throughout my 10th year in high school I had a giant gap in between my front teeth,and because of this gap I spent majority of the year feeling self-conscious and hating how I looked. I could not look in the mirror and say I liked what I saw reflecting back. I hated who I was and I developed a lot of issues because of that.
When ever I opened my mouth I could feel people staring at me, and in some situations look at me with disgust.
I got called a monster; a freak; I was made to feel awful. I even remember a day where my brother came home angrily asking me why I had to have a gap between my teeth because his friends were giving him a hard time, and I collapsed in tears.
As a confused sixteen year old who already hated her appearance,I didn't deal with all the hate, confusion, and anxiety right.
What nobody realised what that I was suffering internally due to my expander:
For the first few weeks I had a horrible stutter. I couldn't speak right because I was adjusting to learning how to pronounce certain words right with half of my mouth covered in metal. I stopped speaking as much because I was terrified of being misunderstood. I became distant from my friends.
Due to the difficulty to eat, I stopped eating. I started to give my food away and skip meals entirety. My brother's loved the extra food at dinner times and didn't question it. Going to bed with my stomach rumbling was a common occurrence until I learnt to ignore it. I was starting to lose weight and I thought it was good because I was becoming "pretty"; it was the time of year where girls in my grade were going on diets and starting to lose weight for the Leavers' Dinner. I could go days without eating and if I did I would hate myself. I remember writing iN my diary "I ate a sandwich today, I fucking hate myself"(quite dramatic, I know! xD) I had an unhealthy relationship with food because I didn't want it to get stuck in my expander or hurt my jaw.
... GUESS WHO HAS TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT PAIN AGAIN?
ME.
On Wednesday afternoon I am getting my expander reinstalled and I just want to cry. I know the end product will involve perfect teeth I knew that what happened last time was caused by a mixture of bullying and other issues that wasn't exclusive to my expander, but I don't want to go through all that again.
I don't want people to stare at me, I don't want people to harass me, I don't want to be bullied again for something I can't control, I don't want that extra anxiety, I don't want my appearance to change, I don't want my jaw to be in pain, I don't want to hate myself, I don't want to have difficulty eating, I don't want to develop an unhealthy relationship towards food and I don't want to become so sad I can't pick myself up.
I don't want any of this.
I am terrified.
I am honestly terrified.
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