I HAVE A PEOPLE HANGOVER.
I am totally exhausted from too much social interaction.
I am totally exhausted from too much social interaction.
I have never said that sentence before but it it totally true.
I am pooped.
But I am so happy about it.
I am pooped.
But I am so happy about it.
Today was amazing.
I had to leave my only class early because I had to see my physiologist and as I got up to leave so many students all yelled out 'goodbye Jazz' and 'bye Jazz'. Someone even yelled out 'Love you Jazz!'
I had to leave my only class early because I had to see my physiologist and as I got up to leave so many students all yelled out 'goodbye Jazz' and 'bye Jazz'. Someone even yelled out 'Love you Jazz!'
((DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS--Someone yelled out the opposite of what I was thinking!!! )))
It may of been because everyone was hyped up on chocolate mud cake, but still, it just made me feel so happy and loved. For so long I have craved connection at school within my peers I have craved for someone my age to just acknowledge my existence and make me feel less alone.
It had a huge mental realisation. I finally had the feelings of 'Oh! ...MAYBE these people don't hate me, MAYBE these people will not hurt me. MAYBE I am safe here'. I walked into my physiologist's office happy and she immediately asked, "why is there a smile on your face? There is NEVER a smile on your face!"
"I .THINK. I. MADE. FRIENDS!!"
...
.
.
I met up with one of my best friends at Chi Chis (He sent a text: 'Meet at Chi Chis' and I was like HELL YEAHH! #BUBBLETEAISBAE) and we went back to my school. We walked around my school taking selfies in every single block and I gave him a mini tour of the school.
"There is a bathroom there; It's not great....Here is another bathroom; this one is good but you can't go in there because you are a guy.... Look, a cleaner's cupboard ... Classroom.... Set of stairs here.... Another classroom.... More stairs.... Here is another classroom...Another set of stairs.... OH, HERE IS WHERE PEOPLE USED TO GET HANGED! "
And it was honestly the very first time I walked around my own school without feeling any ounce of anxiety. I felt safe. We were running around laughing and being giddy school children . WE WERE PRETTY MUCH BEING IDIOTS AND I WAS LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT.
We even saw someone from my Chinese Class and I legit chanced after them and spoke to them for half an hour (and Daniel stood there awkwardly and even more awkwardly when we started speaking in Chinese)
And then Daniel and I walked throughout town and eventually back to Newestead where we met up with even more people. And when we met up with those people I didn't feel anxious. I wasn't thinking that these people were judging me. I wasn't thinking about all the things that I could do wrong. I wasn't thinking about all the things in the past that I have stuffed up. I wasn't thinking about what I was saying. I wasn't analysing what other people were saying.
I was in the moment.
I was having FUN.
HAVING FUN WITHOUT SOCIAL ANXIETY RUINING IT.
.... And that has not happened in a very, very, very, very, very, very long time.
I took the Newestead bus back into Georgetown and people were actually TALKING TO ME and it didn't feel fake or forced. I laughed so much my face physically started to hurt.
I felt embraced and loved. -- and yes I was yelling on the bus and talking non-stop, and no the bus driver didn't tell me to be quiet this time. Although I did make him laugh a few times. --
Today taught me that sometimes my thoughts are wrong. People don't hate me. People like me and I just can't see it because I am trapped in a mindset where I think everyone is a potential danger. My mind has been concreted into that mindset because of a life time of traumatic bullying.
But
Now I have evidence to proof that not ALL people hate me. Not ALL people are bullies!
"There is a bathroom there; It's not great....Here is another bathroom; this one is good but you can't go in there because you are a guy.... Look, a cleaner's cupboard ... Classroom.... Set of stairs here.... Another classroom.... More stairs.... Here is another classroom...Another set of stairs.... OH, HERE IS WHERE PEOPLE USED TO GET HANGED! "
And it was honestly the very first time I walked around my own school without feeling any ounce of anxiety. I felt safe. We were running around laughing and being giddy school children . WE WERE PRETTY MUCH BEING IDIOTS AND I WAS LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT.
We even saw someone from my Chinese Class and I legit chanced after them and spoke to them for half an hour (and Daniel stood there awkwardly and even more awkwardly when we started speaking in Chinese)
And then Daniel and I walked throughout town and eventually back to Newestead where we met up with even more people. And when we met up with those people I didn't feel anxious. I wasn't thinking that these people were judging me. I wasn't thinking about all the things that I could do wrong. I wasn't thinking about all the things in the past that I have stuffed up. I wasn't thinking about what I was saying. I wasn't analysing what other people were saying.
I was in the moment.
I was having FUN.
HAVING FUN WITHOUT SOCIAL ANXIETY RUINING IT.
.... And that has not happened in a very, very, very, very, very, very long time.
I took the Newestead bus back into Georgetown and people were actually TALKING TO ME and it didn't feel fake or forced. I laughed so much my face physically started to hurt.
I felt embraced and loved. -- and yes I was yelling on the bus and talking non-stop, and no the bus driver didn't tell me to be quiet this time. Although I did make him laugh a few times. --
Today taught me that sometimes my thoughts are wrong. People don't hate me. People like me and I just can't see it because I am trapped in a mindset where I think everyone is a potential danger. My mind has been concreted into that mindset because of a life time of traumatic bullying.
But
Now I have evidence to proof that not ALL people hate me. Not ALL people are bullies!
If people hated me they would of not yelled out goodbye as I left a classroom, or yelled out 'I love you' or spent 6 hours being an idiot with me around town.
I think I am starting to FINALLY understand that not everyone is bad and I need to stop judging people and assuming they hate me and will bully me based on my horrible past experiences.
That is a skill I will concur eventually.
But in the meantime I just gotta' keep taking deep breathes and focus on my own recovery
. I am getting there, I am really getting there. I'm taking giant leaps and I am making so much progress and I am so proud of myself . I can finally see that things are getting better.
I would of NEVER been this sociable this time last year!
I am really kicking social anxiety in the butt!!!!
I am in love with life right now.
I think I am starting to FINALLY understand that not everyone is bad and I need to stop judging people and assuming they hate me and will bully me based on my horrible past experiences.
That is a skill I will concur eventually.
But in the meantime I just gotta' keep taking deep breathes and focus on my own recovery
. I am getting there, I am really getting there. I'm taking giant leaps and I am making so much progress and I am so proud of myself . I can finally see that things are getting better.
I would of NEVER been this sociable this time last year!
I am really kicking social anxiety in the butt!!!!
I am in love with life right now.
But. Seriously tho.
It was one of the best days I have had in a very long time and I am beyond grateful for the people in my life that make it more enjoyable
especially those reading
AND especially to that one precious person who has been reading since I started this blog at the end of grade 10. (ily B)
especially those reading
AND especially to that one precious person who has been reading since I started this blog at the end of grade 10. (ily B)
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